How to Mend a Family Rift

Not all families have the "luck?" of being counseled by Dr. Phil when they hit a rough patch. Hopefully this will give you some ideas of how to patch things up within your own family dynamics without being seen as the one to "give in" or the one that has been the "bully".

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Everyone in the family should be willing to be an active participant in the healing of the family unit. If you are unable to get all members involved, at least extend the invitation to them
• Depending on the size of your family 1 or more tables for all to sit comfortably while sharing a meal
• Invitations, Place Cards, Thank You Notes
• Courage, Confidence, and Patience

1. A good place to start healing broken families is gathered around a table and sharing a meal together. Since you are the one that wants the mending to take place, the bulk of the planning will be up to you. Hopefully you have a sister, brother, aunt, or another family member who feels the way you do and is willing to take on some of the responsibility.
2. This MUST be a "No Blame, No Shame" event. If any of the members of the family begin to discuss the situation and how it got to the point it is, with a smile you should say something like, "We are all a bit anxious right now and hopefully this dinner will be an opening for a great discussion and reunification of our great family"! Be enthusiastic even if you don't feel it yourself. The more positive you are, the more the rest of your family members will be.
3. Compose An Email to Family Members If all family members have computer access, the very first step would be to send out a group email announcing that you would like to have a "Let's Be Grateful We Are Family And Can Enjoy Each Other Party". Make the email as graphically funny as possible and stress how important to you it is that each and every one of them attend. (In a case such as this, guilt is most appropriate - LOL!) In the email you can give a small list of dates and times that are convenient for you and ask that each person respond and let you know what is best for them. Believe it or not, this is going to be the most difficult step of all! It would be best to give at least a 2 week notice, but a 3 week planning period is even better. If the family rift is strong, it's going to take a bit more work than one email.
4. Ask each member to please bring a special dish to share with the family. If you know of something that one makes and is always a crowd pleaser, make sure you ask for her/him to bring that one. The men that don't cook should not be left off the hook. Use humor here also. You can say something like, "Mike, nothing beats those fantastic sugar cookies you make and take to the (name of grocery store). ~ You know, the ones you leave at the bakery with all that great icing and the chocolate sprinkles on them. Mom thinks those are to die for. Please don't forget to bring them".
5. Get On The Phone and Call Each One After the email is completed to your satisfaction ask each recipient to please reply immediately with a response. Give them no more than 3 days. If they have answered your email you can quickly respond that you are going to follow up with a phone call. After the 3 day wait with no response get on the phone. Have a note pad and pencil/pen handy. Have the following questions ready for each person you call.
   1. Which day time did you choose as most convenient for you (your family)?
   2. What are you going to bring to our table?
   3. Do you have any issues that you need to bring up and what are they? I need to know this because I am sad our family is not as close as we once were. I want us to get back together and fix all of the parts that are broken. (DO NOT add this step if you think it will actually cause anyone to not attend.)
   Once again, I will remind you not to allow the person you are talking with to go into a full-fledged bashing session. All you need are the minimum issues.
6. Okay, You have emailed, you have phoned and talked, now what? Are you ready to mail out some personal invitations? If you were having a dinner party for your husband's or your boss and co-workers, you would send out invitations. Your family members are the most important people in your life. They deserve the best treatment of all.
   I'm not saying that you need to go to the printer' s shoppe and have engraved invitations specially prepared, but you can pick up a couple of nice packs at the Dollar Store.
   On each invitation write the date, day, and time of the "Let's Be Grateful We Are Family And Can Enjoy Each Other Party". Confirm the dish that each person is bringing and add what you are bringing to the table too. Try to think of something you know that others think you make that is the talk of the town.
7. Don't assume everyone that says they are coming are really planning on being there. Once again, about 2-3 days prior to the event, you are going to have to pick up the phone and do a reminder call. If the excuse you get is that, "I just don't have the time", you are going to have to offer yourself or enlist another willing family member to go help that person so they can free up the time. Again, as I earlier stated, Guilt can sometimes be your best friend.
8. Prior to the party make (or have your children, nieces, nephews, or any other family volunteers) place cards. A sample of what these could have on them is:
   NAME
   THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING TO OUR
   "LET'S BE GREATFUL WE ARE FAMILY AND CAN ENJOY EACH OTHER PARTY"
   YOU ARE A SPECIAL PART OF OUR FAMILY AND WE ARE SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE
   
   If you are making these on the computer, you can add some cute or pretty graphics.
   The placement of the name cards is crucial. Don't place the feuding family member either next to, or directly across from each other.
9. Cluttered Living Space To help you to relax, enjoy yourself, and ease some of your stress, do as much preparation as possible a few days or at the very least a day in advance.
   1. If you are baking a cake, bake it and pop it into the freezer - it will be much easier to put the frosting on it the morning of the party.
   2. Set the table and put out the place cards
   3. Get your serving dishes and utensils out and ready to use
   4. Clean your counters to make sure there is a lot of kitchen work space
   5. This is your family! Don't stress about the "perfect look" of your house. Make sure your bathroom is clean. As far as the other rooms, just make them comfortable. If there is a bit of dust or clutter it won't make any difference at all. Well, perhaps you might want it a bit more cozy than this picture. After all, some people might actually want to sit down!
10. The big day has arrived. Don't skimp on anything. Get out real dishes, napkins, and glasses. This is not a hit and miss party for paper plates and plastic throw away cups and glasses. The real things are a symbol of the real family unit. The disposable things are a symbol of a disposable family unit. Each one of you is a Special Person. Each one of you Deserves to be treated as such.
11. Greet everyone with love and a hug as they walk through your door. If it is a day that is suited for hanging outside, you can have beverages ready along with glasses for some chatting until everyone has arrived. If there are going to be several children, there should be an area designated for them with age appropriate activities.
12. Everyone is there! The big moment has arrived! So far you have put a lot of love and a lot of work into just this next few hours. Congratulations! You have done your best and no matter what happens you have earned a star for your efforts. Take just a moment to look around the table, breathe, and enjoy the fact that you have made it all happen.
    Good Job! The rest of the party is up to the entire family.
13. Family Eating Together Before anyone has a chance to pick up utensils or start passing bowls of food around ask that you all join hands. If your family has never done this before you are bound to get some strange looks. That's okay. You reach out both of your arms to the people on either side of you and state it once again if everyone has not yet done so.
14. Once all hands are joined you can tell them why your are holding hands with a sentence in your own words and from the depth of your heart. It may be similar to: "Thanks to all of you for coming to this party. It is my pleasure and my honor to have my family sitting at my table sharing food together. I hope this meal will be blessed to nurture our spirits, as well as our bodies, and bring family peace and unity." (With a blessing such as this, it will not offend any member of your family who may not be religious, and on the other hand can also be considered as a prayer for those who are religious.)
    After you have spoken words like those, you will then say something about your family that you are grateful for. Then in turn you will ask each member sitting at the table to also do the same.
15. You can delegate a few people to take pictures of this dinner so you are able to include everyone. At the close of the meal, thank each one for coming and making this such a memorable occasion and let them know that they will each get a copy of the photographs.
16. If everyone is comfortable and having a great time you can bring out more coffee, tea, or whatever other beverages you wish and sit down for some happy family time before they leave.
17. As each person leaves give them a hug, tell them you love them, and ask them if they would be interested in getting together again sometime.
18. The next day you will go trotting to the Dollar Store again to pick up a pack or two of Thank You cards (remember, you would do it for company!). Drop each of them a personal note telling them how much you appreciated them being there and thanking them for the food they brought.
19. The only other suggestion that I have is starting a Family Newsletter. This takes a lot of time and patience and one day I will write a "How To" on that topic.

Tips & Warnings

• For any family member that lives too far away to attend, set up a time during your "Healing Party" that you can have a telephone call. If at least one of you knows how to conference call that would be ideal; if not someone can figure out how the speaker phone option works surely. If that proves too difficult (I add this because I am not a technical phone wizard), you can pass the phone around so each person get a chance to talk to him/her and give well wishes, thank yous, and most importantly, "I am grateful you are in my family and in my life because.......".
• Your feelings may be hurt if the people you want to make amends do not attend
• You may have members of your family getting into verbal altercations while at the party and someone may have to intervene
• Someone may get angry and get up and leave
• These are all things that could Possibly happen. On the other hand and looking at the positive side, your efforts could repair your wounded family and heal your broken heart.