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Step 1
Choose your dates carefully: It might seem harmless to go out on dates with anyone you find interesting. After all it’s just one date, right? Wrong. First dates can lead to second and third dates, and you can find yourself deeply involved before you can realize there is a problem. When you are invited on a date, seriously ask yourself, does this seem like someone I might marry? If the answer is no, then do not go out with them. Instead get to know them on a friendly level.
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Step 2
Pay attention during the first, and subsequent first few dates: Examine this new person you are dating very carefully before you get too involved. Listen to things they say spontaneously. See if they listen to what you are saying. Decide if they are trying too hard to impress you. If you see any warning signs such as a quick temper, or abusiveness toward waitresses and waiters, stop dating them.
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Step 3
Meet their family. The relationship of a person and their family is an excellent indicator of emotional health. This is not to say that someone with a difficult family is not worth dating, but it will indicate potential problems you should look out for.
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Step 4
Meet their friends. The quality of their friends will indicate their true personality; it will help you meet a side of them that even their family do not know. Their friends behavior will give you a good idea of what they find acceptable.
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Step 5
Pay attention to how they react to your family and friends. Abusers tend to separate spouses from family and friends. If they seem to want to keep you all to themselves, there could be a serious problem.
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Step 6
Give no second chances. If they hit or demean you once, they will do it again. Do not stand for abusive behavior, as it will only get worse.
Comments
IlonaGypsy said
on 8/24/2008 If it doesn't feel right to "you", it isn't. Period. Don't argue with them. The more you argue, the more you give them the ability to twist words and distract you until you're worn out and more confused.
Read the book titled, "Boundaries " by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend before going out into the dating field. You'll be glad you did.
Best to date several people at the same time for a period of months and not to see the same person more than once every two to three weeks. Compare how "natural" and "relaxed" you feel with one person versus another, and beware the ones who want too intense a commitment in the first three months.
Falling in love should be a sweet and relaxed natural feeling of "FREEDOM", not a feeling of intense passion full of controlling restrictions.
IlonaGypsy said
on 8/24/2008 If you have been abused by parents, siblings or a previous partner, you are much more vulnerable to being abused again. It may seem that this would be an odd thing to say - that you would have learned your lesson, but no, that's not the case.
The reason you were abused in the first place, is that you most likely have weak boundaries (which were weakened by former childhood abusers). Your weak boundaries is what turns on the abusers the most. They try out their tricks slowly, but surely and then increase them until without knowing it, you have become "controlled" by your own compliant behavior, and then it is nearly impossible to get away without severe duress.
Do not think you are stupid. Abusers are master manipulators. They will confuse and deny, and have you thinking that you are crazy. The MOST IMPORTANT PART TO REMEMBER is this -- if it doesn't feel right to "you", it isn
IlonaGypsy said
on 8/24/2008 I think this is very short and sweet article to be kept in everyone's wallet when dating, so they can recheck it before and after each date.
Also, do everything you can to NOT "fall in love" right away. It takes 6 months or more for a person to show their true colors. Stay objective.
Abusers are very able to hide their abusive tendencies during the early months when they are doing everything to win you over head over heels. That is why you need to be VERY aware when someone is trying very hard to impress you and win you over.
Do NOT let it go to your head when they try to impress you with food, flowers, romance, trips, wonderful words and flattery. There is MAJOR payback for all this effort they put forth ... and the payback will be your total allegiance to them and only them.
If you have been abused by parents, siblings or a previous partner, you are much more vulnera
sweetleo said
on 8/19/2008 GREAT ARTICLE 5 STARS