How to Help a Child with Separation Anxiety

One of the most traumatic things for a parent to go through is to have to leave their child at school while the child is crying and screaming for them, and walk away. It goes against every parental fiber of your being. Separation anxiety usually starts in preschool, but it can rear its ugly head again in kindergarten and first grade. If your child gets teary when you're leaving, you can do several things to boost their morale.The key with separation anxiety is to prepare the child as much as possible for the separation in advance, while giving them tools to help cope with the initial anxiety as you leave them. It's a fine line to walk, because you don't want to draw attention to the leaving aspect, you want to draw attention to the reuniting and helping your child learn that she's in safe hands while you're away. Most importantly, you have to act confident even when you are crumbling inside.

Instructions

How to Help a Child with Separation Anxiety

1. With a preschooler, spend the first few days at preschool, getting to know the teachers and letting your child show you around. When you leave, the child will probably be okay because they don't realize that this is going to be happening repeatedly. Once they figure this out is when you'll have the separation anxiety in full force. In the first few days of preschool, bake some cookies with your child and have them take them in to class to share with their friends. The day you bring the cookies in is the first day you make a hasty exit. You give your child the cookies to hold, and say "My child brought these to give out and share with his friends at snacktime" and then let the teacher take the child's hand. Kiss your child quickly and say they're in charge of the cookies, and you'll be back right after snack.

2. Then get the heck out of there! Your child will be a little torn, but if the teacher is distracting him by showing him where to put the cookies, and telling him how much fun it will be to pass them out, you will have enough time to make it out the door while he's distracted. You need to get your physical presence out of there for your child to relax and adjust to the school being his new place.

3. Make sure and talk to the preschool teachers about what works for them, and how they can help you. Some parents have a routine where they kiss and hug their preschooler and then set the child in the lap of the teacher while they head out. Some kids like to go to the door and shut the door as the parent leaves. Some kids like the parent to make a little bagel and cream cheese from the preschool kitchen, leaving them to eat that as the parent leaves. Find a routine that your child can expect and look foward to.

4. If your child is still having a very hard time, ask them to write you a story or draw you a picture and put it in an envelope if they miss you while they're at school. This might be something they enjoy. Tell them that when the clock hands get to twelve, you'll be back to pick them up and the two of you will do something special, like go for ice cream or go to the park. It helps if there are very loving teachers who will hug your child and give them some love and attention while they're going through their anxiety.

5. Give your child something special they can hold on to while you leave. It can be a locket with a picture of the two of you, or a lucky rock in their pocket, or a tiny toy that has some meaning for them. Tell them to hold onto that when they miss you and they'll feel better.

6. The tendency to stay and hold your child while they cry is perhaps the hardest part for any parent. You will have days you can be brave and rush out of school, and days when you just can't do it. But really, your child is learning to trust that school is a great place, and if you linger with them, they will have a harder time making the transition. They're so little, that your confidence becomes their confidence. Still, you are human. Do your best, and let the teachers help you.

Tips & Warnings

• With an older child, use the same ideas as above: quick kiss, promise of special time together afterwards, giving them a keepsake to hold on to during the day. You can negotiate with an older child - tell them if they can try not to cry for a week, you'll come in to class and do an art project or something special with the class.

• Remember that the crying usually stops moments after you disappear!