How to Micromanage Like a Real Jerk

As a new manager, you have been given the responsibility to lord over and micromanage every employee, even if they are in a different department. By promoting you to a management position, the top dogs have recognized that you know everything possible about the company and no longer need to listen to anyone. Knowing how to use your new power is the first step in your desire to rule world.

Instructions

1. Make it clear from day 1 that you have an open-door policy and that you will use it to open the door of every employee under your control. Make a point of listening in on all phone calls and conversations, both personal and business-related.

2. Stress your need to become involved in an employee's life away from work, and always share any private information you have discovered. To micromanage successfully, you must take control of every aspect of your minions' lives; after all, only you have the right answer every time. One day they will thank you for being such a jerk.

3. Correct any spelling or punctuation errors in both email and daily paperwork. Ensure that the employee is fully aware of your expectations for absolute perfection. Reword documents to match your own style so the employee has an opportunity to learn the techniques you have so carefully mastered.

4. Question everything, even if it makes sense at first. Demand that even the minutiae are included in every conversation, and offer an alternative theory even if you have to make one up.

5. Never show weakness by changing your mind or seriously considering any ideas but your own. This builds confidence and respect from each employee and cements your place as the jerk who can micromanage every situation.