How to Confront Just About Anybody Assertively

Confronting another person can be difficult. Having a plan of action can frequently reduce the pressure and unease of most confrontations. Assertive confrontation that is direct, free of judgment, and open leads to the best results.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Patience
• An Open Mind
• Plenty of time to handle the discussion once you confront the person.

1. Intention: Be clear on what your intentions are in your confrontation. Are you trying to express an emotion, do you want to change another person’s behavior, or do you just want to get back at someone? The intention from which you approach the situation can have a large impact on the outcome.
2. Plan Ahead: Decide what you are going to say and when you are going to say it. Timing is key. It’s probably not a great idea to confront someone in the middle of an argument. That will just make things worse. If you’re trying to create change confronting someone in an arguement won’t be the way to do it.
3. Keep it Short, Simple, and Nonjudgmental: Say what the behavior was that bothered you, why it bothered you and the effect it had on you. Use facts, not judgments. State if there is an alternative that you would prefer or the consequence if the behavior continues.
4. Rehearse it: Remember the important components that you would like to address.
   
   Here is an easy model to follow based on the previous step:
   "When you were late these last two times to go to the movies [Identifying the behavior], I missed part of the movie [Stating the impact of the behavior] and was disappointed and frustrated [Expressing your feelings about the situation]. If we are going to go to the movies again together, I want to be on time or else I can’t go to the movies with you anymore [Stating an alternative and expressing the consequence]."
5. Stay Focused: If the other person begins to bring up other examples of unrelated or mildly related items refocus on the discussion at hand. For instance, don’t get caught up in defending yourself about an issue. That can be resolved later. Simply say “It’s important we address that, but now I want us to focus on what I just brought up. We can talk about that when we’re done with this discussion.” This gives you the power in the conversation and forces the person to take accountability for their behavior.
6. Be Open to Problem Solving: Allow for the other person to express themselves. You may be playing a part in the situation; perhaps there are changes you can make in regards to the problem. Be a part of the solution and don't forget to be receptive to feedback.

Tips & Warnings

• Here's an easy way to remember the above model: When you _____, I feel ________ because _________. I would prefer ________ because _________.
• Stay away from “You make me feel ____.”
• If you have little choice in the timing of the situation, acknowledge it. You may want to say “I know this is bad timing…” or “I wanted to talk about this at another time, but I believe it’s important I address it now…”
• Once you confront someone, it's mostly up to them to decide what they will do with that information.
• Being open to confrontation can cause other issues to come up. Allow ample time to address these issues if they come up, but remember to stick with one item at a time!
• Keep in mind that sometimes people behave in certain ways because they may have a difficult time expressing an emotion they've been holding on to. If you give the other person the opportunity to express that emotion, you are getting to the core of the behavior.