How to Set Boundaries with Your Mother's Boyfriend

Sometimes when a teenager's parents get divorced, there are new boyfriends and girlfriends of the parents that come into the household. Not every parent recovering from divorce chooses wisely when on the dating scene once again and a teenage girl may be faced with a mom's new boyfriend who is inappropriately interested in the teenager when her mom isn't around. If your mom's boyfriend is crossing the line (or attempting to) physically, even as a joke and it's making you feel uncomfortable, there are some steps you can take to keep yourself from feeling trapped, confused and frozen. Hopefully with your help, the situation will be brought out into the open and you can feel safe and happy once again.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. If your mom is serious about this boyfriend, you have to make sure that the behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable is truly "inappropriate" before getting panicked about it. Inappropriate behavior is anything that makes you feel creepy. A hug, a kiss, a backrub can all be affectionate without being creepy. If the behavior is "dad-like," meaning affectionate without being sexual, you're okay. As a teen, feelings can be confusing. If even regular "dad-like" affection by this boyfriend is bothering you, just let the boyfriend know that you don't feel like being that close yet to anyone who isn't your dad. Then make sure not to put yourself in situations where inappropriate, even joking, affection can start happening.
2. Sometimes an innocent backrub can become "too touchy" for comfort. If you find this is happening, and you feel frozen, just get away from the scene as quickly as you can. Confronting an adult male can be intimidating for a teenage girl. You should go to your mother, if possible, and tell her honestly if her boyfriend isn't just giving out sports massages. Tell her you like the affection, but you don't want to be the girlfriend, you want to be the kid. Ask her to ask him to respect your "father-daughter" boundaries. This will probably cut off your backrub supply, because hopefully he'll be as horrified as your mother is. But maybe you'll have a shot at a normal relationship.
3. If the boyfriend is seriously a loser and making advances toward you, be brutally honest with your mother. Tell her point blank that when she's out of the room, her boyfriend is hitting on you. Hopefully she'll be freaked. Tell her that being a teenager is hard enough without having to deal with some lecherous potential stepdad.
4. Limit your time alone with him. The next time you are stuck alone with him and he tries to get near you, hold up your arm and say loudly, "No closer than this. Stop." Then get out of there. Make it clear that you won't tolerate it.
5. If you have confronted the boyfriend and your mother and the situation hasn't changed, you have to be brave and talk to them both together. Pick a public place when the two of them are together and tell them he isn't treating you like a daughter and respecting your boundaries. You have a right to be a teenager and expect protection while under your family's roof. Ask your mom to support you and tell her you'd like to seek counseling with her if the issue can't be resolved within the family. Tell her you don't feel safe at home alone anymore.

Tips & Warnings

• If the situation is worse and you are being abused, get help immediately. Go to a friend, a friend's mother, a counselor at school or a beloved relative or teacher.