How to Ruin Your Sex Life Doing Yard Work.

Doing yard work with your significant other or spouse may seem like a 'wonderful, connecting' activity to do together. You see the scenarios on television all the time. Couples smiling, in fairly neat looking clothing, passing the soil to each other without yelling or screaming. Even, watering the grass without competing over the water hose! Sounds great...right? You think I, or we can do that and become closer and loving, AND up the value of the property. A no-brainer huh? Unless, one of the parties feels that they are being forced to perform the necessary upkeep so that the home does not resemble Herman Munster's House!

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• An irate spouse
• A bad attitude
• The need to 'get things over with and done quickly' so that said person can get back to watching television.
• No knowledge of what Poison Ivy is or looks like.
• The desire for sex or love making after a 'workout' in the yard!

1. Ask your significant other, spouse or boyfriend, girlfriend, to come and cut the overgrown bushes that BTW caused part of the fence to fall. Or, in your particular instance, ask the person to help out in the yard right about when they wish to settle in to watch TV.
2. In a complete 'huff' the aforementioned spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other will dutifully and quickly march out to the yard.
   Follow them, explaining relentlessly what 'needs' to be done!
   After all, property values are the priority!
3. Allow the significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse to 'take' the cutting shears from your very own hands. Of course in a huff. Because they 'know' how to do the bush cutting quicker and more efficiently than you possibly could! Besides,
4. Sincerely mention to the person with the 'cutting shears' that maybe the 'bush' they are surrounded in, knee-deep in, and enveloped in, looks like 'poison ivy.'
   Note that the person with the 'cutting shears' essentially 'blows you off' because they have an 'attitude.'
5. After the completion of the property value raising yard work, a true feeling of accomplishment sets in and past hurts are mysteriously forgiven.
   
   Approach the 'cutting shears person' for a bit of love-making.
   Note doing love-making that you feel as if your skin is on FIRE!
   
   LIGHTS! (You may not be able to clap the clapper)
   
   You both look like REPTILICUS!
   The itching is EVERYWHERE!
   And Ladies, I mean EVERYWHERE!
   The KISSING of lovemaking has caused your faces to balloon and break out in hideous rashes!

Tips & Warnings

• Know what Poison Ivy looks like in your yard!
• Wash all clothing, body parts (that can be washed) and anything that came in contact with the poison ivy!
• For severe reactions go to the Emergency room!
• For less severe reactions, creams, alcohol, bathing, and a good pharmacist.
• For first timers (not lovers) getting poison ivy, the symptoms and rash can last 3-4 WEEKS...ouch!
• (Or allow just the one person to do the yard work!)
• Recognize Poison Ivy or any other rash causing plant in your yard.
• Do not have intercourse immediately after contracting poison ivy.
• BTW, no KISSING either!
• BE AFRAID. BE VEY AFRAID OF POISON IVY!
• HIre a professional for the yard work and upkeep to maintain your property value.