How to Discuss Child Custody During Divorce

If you are about to get divorced, you will have to decide on the custody of your children. Such decisions will include legal custody (or how you will make major decisions), and physical custody (where the children will primarily reside). You will also need to come up with a schedule of when the child will see each parent during the school year, in the summer and on holidays. This article will explore how you can discuss these options when you make the decision to separate from your spouse.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Willingness to work together to decide custody
• Mediator to help you with process (optional)
• Attorney (optional)
• Case filed in court (optional)

1. Make a commitment with the other parent that you will try to resolve your custody issues by yourselves, without getting attorneys or the court system involved. If you feel that you may need some outside help, consider mediation. The mediator can help make sure you cover all areas that need to be addressed and help guide the process and keep it peaceful.

2. During mediation, a neutral third party will help facilitate the two of you reaching an agreement on your custody issues. The mediator doesn't make a decision, but instead assists both parents in deciding on custody. The mediator helps identify underlying sources of custody issues, and helps the parties move forward and determine how the parents will work together to raise the child.

3. During the whole process of deciding what to do about custody, your interests should focus on what will be best for the child. You want to come up with a parenting plan for custody that first and foremost works for the child.

4. Before you get started deciding on custody and an access schedule for each parent, you need to look at a few things first. Determine the needs of the child. Does the child have a medical problem or take medication on a regular basis? Does the child have attention deficit disorder and need extra attention and care? Does the child have certain allergies and/or asthma that need monitored?

5. Know your child's activity schedule. When coming up with a parenting plan, you will need to know when the child has to be where. If the child plays soccer on Sundays, this should be kept in mind when deciding which parent will have the child during that time.

6. Once you assess your child's needs, look at your own needs. Determine what your schedules are like. For instance, if the child has soccer practice on Wednesday evening, but one parent works, it might be better for the other parent to have the child during this time.

7. Come up with a plan for physical custody, or where the child will primarily reside. When addressing this issue, discuss whether the child may be better off staying in the home where she has already been, or whether to move the child with the parent moving out. Look at the living conditions, such as the availability of bedrooms, living space and outdoor areas for the child to play in.

8. Look at legal custody. Determine how you will make major decisions, either jointly or where one parent makes the decision. Consider how well you get along and whether you will be able to make decisions together on long term types of events, such as schooling, religious upbringing and planned surgeries. Also consider whether you have the same beliefs as to each issue. It may be that you already agree that the child will attend private school, for instance.

9. Decide on access schedules for each parent that consider the child's needs and schedule as well as your needs and schedule. If you work on the weekends, discuss whether it would be best for you to have the child with a babysitter, or whether the other parent should have time then.

10. Decide on the summer schedule that includes vacations, and a holiday schedule for holidays such as Christmas and the child's birthday.

11. Type up your agreement and sign it. Submit it to the court when you go through the divorce proceedings.

12. If you don't resolve the issues, you can use the court system and a judge as the last resort to make the decision of child custody.

Tips & Warnings

• Coming up with your own parenting plan for your child can help you avoid costly fees of litigation. It also gives you the chance to determine yourselves what is best for your child without allowing a judge who doesn't know your child make the decision.
• It can be difficult to deal with the other parent who may have cheated on you during the relationship or the two of you have had some major issues and don't see eye to eye. You may no longer be friends. Treat this as a business of raising your children, and the parenting agreement on custody can be a business agreement.
• Make sure that the schedule you come up with for each parent is consistent, simple and easy to follow.
• Make sure the schedule will work for the child and not cause the child extra strain or pressure. For instance, it might be difficult for the child to be at a different parent's house every night.
• Don't let your own issues or wants influence the decisions you make about your child's custody. Don't seek custody just to avoid paying child support if you know you don't have time to spend with the child, for example.
• If you and the other parent have issues such as domestic violence, it may be better to let the courts decide custody and for you not to come into contact with the other parent even for discussions of custody. This would be for your own safety. You have to assess whether or not you feel safe enough to talk about custody with the other parent.