Step1
Talk to your children and let them know if you are experiencing problems in the marriage. Children are perceptive, and they're going to pick up that something is wrong. If you let things go, many children, especially those between the ages of 6 and 8, may feel that the problems are their fault, and start to feel bad about themselves. You can be selective in what you say, but give them a sense of what is going on.
Step2
Let your children know once you decide to separate and get a divorce. It is best to have a joint discussion by both parents. You can decide what to tell them that is age appropriate, such as how many details of what went wrong or what happened that led to this point.
Step3
Give children a sense of what is to come. Children need to know that there is a sense of constancy in their lives. It can be troubling as a child not to know where you will be living and when you will see both parents. Let the children know you will both see them each week, and give them an idea about where each parent will live. If one parent is unsure of the location of their future residence, let the child know that he/she will still be able to see the parent!
Step4
Tell the child that you love him or her. It is very important during the separation process and after divorce for a child to feel loved by both parents. It is already going to be difficult to adjust and get used to new living situations, new time schedules and not being able to see both parents at all times.
Step5
Make sure the child knows that the divorce is not their fault. You may think that a child will automatically know that it is the parents who are having problems, and that the children did not play a factor in their decision to separate. However, this isn't the case. A child may feel that something he did was the reason for the separation. If one parent is moving away, the child may feel he did something wrong and that the parent is leaving because he/she doesn't love the child anymore.
Step6
Allow the child to talk about her feelings about the divorce. Both parents should make time for the child to spend with them one on one, to talk about what is going on. Make sure to leave distractions at the door, and be there emotionally for the child while the child discusses her thoughts. Don't criticize the child for feeling a certain way, as this is the child's true feelings.
Step7
Keep consistency in the child's life. When coming up with a schedule, keep it simple enough for the child to know when she will see each parent each week. Maintain a sense of order in both households, and stick to previous rules. It is not helpful to all of a sudden allow the child to stay up all hours and eat hot fudge sundaes for dinner just because you feel bad for her having to go through the divorce.
Step8
Many states offer parenting classes for parents to learn how to help their children through divorce. In Maryland, all parents coming through the court system with custody issues are ordered to these classes through the National Family Resiliency Center (see Resources). There are also classes available for the children in some counties in Maryland.
Step9
Seek counseling for the child. If you find that the child is having problems, despite your efforts, the child may need extra help dealing with the divorce. Some telltale signs could be lower grades in school, acting-out behavior, and withdrawal from normal activities.
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