How to Work the Least Hours in Your Office and Still Appear Industrious

If you have an office job, and you are a slacker, you know that your happiness is directly proportionate to the number of hours you spend at your desk. The prospect of more than eight desk-hours in a single day is almost as existentially terrifying as death itself. But remember, the employee who works 7 earnest hours will not be as well rewarded as the one who appears to work 8 very earnest hours, but only does about 90 minutes of actual work.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Show up late, and leave just slightly late.
   
   If there’s any flexibility in when you can show up in the morning, always be the last to arrive by about ten minutes, so you can sleep in. When your boss leaves in the evening, don’t rush to go: give the impression that you’re staying to compensate for your morning lateness. Wait about ten minutes until the coast is clear, then you can go home. Depending on your situation, this can significantly reduce your workday with no penalty to reputation. Be wary, however, of gossipy co-workers.

2. Time your lunches.
   
   Your lunch should overlap with your boss’ according to this specific method: if the bosses goes to lunch early, start your lunch five minutes after they’ve left, but then take extra time, as though you had gone to lunch just before they returned. If they go to lunch late, take your lunch early, stay long, and try to return just before the boss does. If your boss is a creature of habit (few are not), you can effectively increase your lunch break by 90%.

3. Dress one level more professionally than your peers.
   
   People are shallow, and judge books by their covers. They expect slackers to dress shabbily. They’re less likely to suspect that the best-dressed drone in the office is also the least industrious.

4. Be jovial and helpful with people throughout the corporate hierarchy.
   
   Taking five minutes to help your boss’ boss move some boxes will improve their opinion of you immensely. Or offer to pick up lunch for everyone. Or help the intern with the paper jam. You don’t need to be a sycophant, but an ounce of brown-nosing is worth a pound of unpaid overtime in the corporate world.

5. Overstate the technical complexity and time-intensiveness of your tasks, and imply that you take work home.
   
   Cultivate the image of a martyred genius. Make your office-mates think that your work is really difficult. This is easy if your boss is computer illiterate: occasionally ask them a technical question that they’ll never know. Keep your desk slightly chaotic, and allow yourself to be seen sometimes putting a folder of obviously work-related papers in your bag at the end of the day.

6. Request telecommuting whenever possible.
   
   Telecommuting is still work, but it’s not at your desk. Out of sight, out of mind: when you’re not at your desk, co-workers are less likely to bring you new work, and you can screen your calls.

7. Use your vacation time during the busy season, but come to the office when everyone else is out.
   
   Schedule your vacation well in advance so that you will not be at the office when overtime is most likely to be necessary. But don’t squander your vacation days around the popular Winter and Summer holidays; even if you’re at your desk you can waste all day reading TMZ and playing that mini golf game on the Orbitz pop-up ad.