How to Stop Fighting Over the Kids

People usually expect that bringing children into a relationship will also bring great joy and make the relationship stronger. While this is usually true, it can also bring stress and tension, because couples tend to have fights over the kids. Topics of these arguments may be discipline, responsibilities, privileges and much more.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Decide if you are really fighting over the kids or if there is an underlying issue that you both are trying to avoid. Sometimes when a person is upset about an issue that they aren't sure how to face, they will pick fights about something else to make themselves feel better.
2. Communicate with your partner. For example, if you are facing a discipline issue, and you both know that you usually fight about discipline, discuss the situation calmly and communicate your feelings and concerns. Decide on a resolution to the problem from there. If the conversation begins to escalate into an argument, agree to continue the conversation when you both have had time to cool down.
3. Talk about and decide on discipline techniques that you will use before your kids ever get into trouble. Once you have decided, go over the rules and consequences for breaking those rules with your children. This will help reduce future fights on this subject.
4. Recognize and avoid destructive conversation patterns. These include refusal to discuss the issue, criticizing each other, humiliation, sarcasm and defensiveness. Before you say anything, think about how you would feel if your partner said it to you. If you know what you want to say will hurt the other person, then keep it to yourself.
5. Begin conversations about the kids in a friendly manner. Communicate that you both need to address the problem, without attacking or criticizing your partner. Understand and respect your partner's views and opinions on the issue. Be responsible for your emotions and reactions. Try not to blame these things on your partner. Try to express your feelings to your partner without using the word "you" or its variations so that your partner won't feel attacked or blamed.
6. Remember that the key to reaching a solution is compromise. You need to find a solution that you both are happy with, or one of you will likely come away from the conversation feeling belligerent. This usually leads to another fight in the future.
7. Discuss how you can improve your communication tactics if you do have a fight over the kids. Talk about things that you want to do, so that you can raise happy, healthy, respectful and responsible children.

Tips & Warnings

• Often, the way a person's parents raised them heavily influences their methods and opinions of the best way to raise their own children. Unfortunately, these sometimes differ from those of their partner, so you both need to understand and respect it.