How to Save Your Rump if You Forgot Mother's Day

Fretting over your forgotten mom? It's not too late to fix your mistake and save her feelings.

Mother's Day has come and gone. If you forgot about the one and only day of the year that pays homage to the woman who sacrificed her body, hours of sleep, moments of sanity and quite possibly a few secret, unrealized dreams all for the sake of your (slightly self-indulgent) existence, you should be feeling extremely guilty right about now. While it's way too late for brunch and flowers, it isn't too late to patch things up entirely. May these tips get you back into your mother's good graces. (Note: I am not particularly proud to be writing this article, but I know it is important to occasionally sacrifice my good reputation to help those in need. Please do not share this with my mother).

Instructions

1. Practice speaking in a weak voice. It isn't important that you sound raspy or stuffed up. It's more important that you sound exhausted, feeble and very, VERY sad. Lying in bed can be helpful in achieving the proper tone. It can also be helpful to remember your childhood dog that died when you were 11. This is called method acting and can help you step into the role of the sick, sad character you are about to become.

2. Call your mother.

3. Embrace your role. When your mother answers the telephone, tell her you've been sick. Tell her you don't know what happened. Tell her you've been sleeping for 16 hours straight. Tell her you haven't been eating. Tell her you've had a fever. Tell her you've been disoriented. Tell her you just realized you forgot Mother's Day. Exude exhaustion as you speak! Let your words personify sad!

4. Say: "I let you down. I feel like the worst son/daughter on the planet." This should be the first moment of truth in your performance, because forgetting Mother's Day and then lying to avoid motherly scorn does in fact make you the worst son/daughter on the planet.

5. Repeat. Once again tell your mother: "I got so sick. I don't know what happened." Sound slightly perplexed.

6. Say: "I want to make it up to you." This is the second moment of truth in your little show. It is also where the true amends begin. You must make it up to your mother. If she lives in your town, set a date immediately for dinner. Take her to the best restaurant you know. Tell her she looks beautiful. Ask her questions about her childhood. Listen intently as she talks. Show more love than you have ever shown any living creature in your entire life. Maintain this amount of love toward her for the rest of her life. If your mother lives out of town, send 3 dozen roses and make plans to visit soon. When you see her again, perform the ritual described above.

7. Say 600 Hail Marys. Shave your head. Fast for three weeks. Donate your belongings to the poor. Take a vow of chastity--because while your relationship with your mother may be saved, your soul is most certainly damned.

Tips & Warnings

• If your mother insists on rushing to your bedside to care for your sick, sorry ass--let her do it. Mothers love to be needed. They live to be needed. Play sick and be appreciative.

• Do not say that you went to the hospital or that you boarded an alien spacecraft. Your mother will not believe these stories and will only end up resenting you more. Remember: the best lies are little and white.