How to Explain to an Adopted Child Why the Birth Mother Closed the Adoption

Explaining the birth mother's choice can be challenging

Sometimes birth mothers choose to walk away from an open or semi-open adoption, which effectively closes the adoption. When an adoptive family enters into an adoption with the expectation that the adoption will be open or semi-open, they can be taken aback by the birth mother's decision. The most difficult part of facing a unilaterally closed adoption is explaining the birth mother's choice to the adopted child. Here is how to explain to an adopted child why the birth mother closed the adoption.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

1. Determine whether you need to tell your adopted child at all. In many cases, a birth mother who unilaterally closes an adoption makes this decision while the adopted child is still very young. If your child is too young to know the difference, you might not need to tell your adopted child that the adoption was ever open. In this way, you can spare your adopted child from feeling rejected.

2. Consider why the birth mother chose to close the adoption. If you have the opportunity, ask the birth mother for her reasons. Unfortunately, in many cases, the birth mother simply moves away without leaving a forwarding address, which effectively closes the adoption. In most cases, a birth mother chooses to close an adoption because receiving updates about her birth child or saying goodbye after visits is too painful. It seems easier to close that chapter of her life than to continue contact.

3. Decide how much information to share with your adopted child. While adoptive parents need to be honest with their adopted children, they need to temper this honesty by taking into account the child's stage of development. For example, you would not want to burden an adopted child with knowing that his birth mother is currently working as a prostitute or living on the streets due to a drug addiction.

4. Work through your own emotions before you talk with the adopted child. If you entered into an adoption with the expectation of having contact with the birth mother, you will likely feel angry or hurt about the birth mother's decision to close the adoption. Deal with your own emotions before talking with your child. When you talk with your child, the focus needs to be on your child's feelings, not yours.

5. Tell your child that her birth mother has closed the adoption. As best you can, explain in an age-appropriate manner the reasons that the birth mother has closed the adoption. If you do not know why, say that you suspect that she loved the adopted child so much that it hurt to see the updates in a semi-open adoption or to say goodbye after visits in an open adoption.

6. Answer the adopted child's questions. Your child is likely to have questions about his birth mother closing the adoption. Answer his questions as honestly as you can in an age-appropriate manner.

7. Reassure the adopted child about how precious she is. Many adopted children already struggle with understanding why the birth mother chose not to parent them. The birth mother's choice to close the adoption can be perceived as an added rejection. Reassure your child that you love her and that you are not going anywhere. You are your child's forever parent and you will always be in your child's life.

Tips & Warnings

• You might need to have multiple conversations with your adopted child about the birth mother's choice to close the adoption. Let your child take the lead on how frequently he needs to talk about it.

• Encourage your child to talk about his emotions. Let him know that it is normal to feel sad about his birth mother's choice.

Resources

• Levels of Openness in Private Domestic Adoption