How to Be Elected President of The United States

Picking a snappy campaign slogan will also help your bid to be president. However, you may want to pick one in English so people know what the heck it says.

Making it to the top of the American political heap is not about honesty and being an all-around good person. Unfortunately, it’s more about who you know, how much money you have and how visible you’ve been in the political circuit. You can get elected president of the United States as long as you follow some steps the minute you’re old enough to walk.

Things You'll Need

• Ruthlessness
• Cash
• Good connections

Instructions

1. Run for everything—and win. This includes president of your home owners association, president of the local community board and president of your kindergarten class project. If you can’t be president in any of these, get elected into the vice president slot and harass the president into resigning.

2. Volunteer for everything. Show you have that community spirit and care about the "common folk" by cleaning up highways, feeding homeless on Thanksgiving and especially volunteering for people’s political campaigns. You will also meet many people you can coerce into voting for you later.

3. Amass millions of dollars to finance your own campaign when the times comes.

4. Promise all kinds of things most people want. This includes no taxes, world peace and inexpensive milk. Don’t worry about following through. It’s not like you have to deliver once you’re elected.

5. Marry into a political family. Unless you are already related to the Clintons or the Kennedys, make your best efforts to become related by marriage.

6. Squash anyone in your way. This should be easy by now, since you already have decades of presidential experience, millions of dollars and political pull.

Tips & Warnings

• If you still don’t get voted in, you can always rig the election in Florida.

• Don’t sleep with your interns.