How to Repel Hobos

Hobos, bums, vagrants, panhandlers... the urban leach we simultaneously pity and find an annoyance. While compassion is what these individuals need, certain circumstances call for shooing the vagrant away. We now explore the time honored techniques of hobo repelling...

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Patience

1. Recognize the circumstances. These people are still people somewhere under years of neglect, broken dreams, and substance abuse. While interacting with the vagrant remember that these tactics are not meant to degrade or harm the person, but rather to shoo them off. Hopefully some of the following methods will be of assistance:
2. Method #1: Unorthodox Communication. When approached and engaged by the vagrant, respond with completely out of context. A sample dialogue: Hobo "Got 2 dollars change?" Response "Who is Spain?" or "The muffin man hasn't been the chancellor of Candy land since '62!" In their meth-addled state this is normally too much for hobo mental circuitry to handle, and can be extremely effective in ending contact.
3. bradfitzpatrick.com Method #2: Polyglot Change?
   
   Rarely will a homeless person pursue someone who they can't readily communicate with. By breaking out your best fraudulent Spanish, German, Yiddish, or Sanskrit (choose your best made-up linguistic garbling) the vagrant normally admits defeat, one of their best skills.
4. Method #3: Hobo Trivia.
   
   Challenge the bum's problem solving skills by asking them questions. Perhaps my personal favorite tactic is to tell the wino you will give them their desired "dollas o' change" should they "answer me these question 3..." Proceed with 3 questions of your choosing, with difficulty & obscurity varying as preferred. For instance my roommates likes to make this a game the bum can potentially win, whereas my opening question is normally something like, "Name three multiples of the number of heart valves present in a giant squid."
5. Hobos date back centuries Method #4: Grab n' Go.
   
   This method involves taking the bum's available possessions and moving them in order to make the bum follow, and ideally leave upon recovery of its possessions. Recently a hobo would not let some associates and me play basketball at the park until we listened to his life story/justification for donations. After the failure of the three previous techniques, I simply walked up to him and stole his 40 oz bottle and ran like a startled gazelle. After a 10 yard chase the bum was too tired to continue, and left us alone after retrieving his bottle from the other side of the park (Hiding the bottle in a bush discouraged the hobo while also taking up time). The wild card of the bunch, this technique is not recommended for women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant; anyone with common sense, a lack of athletic ability, or a desire to not die via hobo should avoid this procedure.

Tips & Warnings

• If any bite wounds are received, a tetnis shot is recommended.
• Bums, much like a disgruntled water buffalo, can become irate and charge without warning. Don't be the victim of vagrant violence by taking this too far.