How to Help Children Cope with a Missing Parent

When your spouse leaves you and your children emotions run high. Here are some tips on helping your children deal with the loss of a parent through separation or divorce when that parent disappears physically or emotionally.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• you, focused on the kids

1. Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating properly, getting proper rest, and have friends or family that you can talk to openly (but privately) about your feelings. If you are taking care of yourself, then you will be a better parent. Now more than ever you need to be at your best to take care of your children.

2. Have a meeting where you sit down and explain to them what is happening. The sooner the better, even if you don’t have all the answers. Keep in mind the following steps within this meeting. The following steps should be used throughout the coming weeks and months. Have more meetings anytime there’s more information or if you think one or more of your children needs it.

3. Be honest. But don’t be negative. This can be difficult with your hurt feelings and the desire to protect your children from being hurt. Consider the following: 1) eventually a child will perceive negativity as a parent’s way of keeping them from the other parent. 2) when a child is told negative things about their parent it will eventually settle on themselves, because they are a part of that parent. 3) children love their parents (as they should) and when one parent is negative about the other then they feel they must choose sides and perhaps even defend the one being talked down about. See tips below for ideas on what this looks like.

4. Assure them that it’s not their fault. Tell your children where the fault lies: with the adults. Don’t make it the absent parent’s fault. There was a disagreement between the two of you that caused that separation. As far as the children are concerned, it doesn’t matter which one of you is right or wrong. The important thing is that they know it wasn’t their fault.

5. Understand that protecting your child from their emotionally or physically absent parent cannot be done by trying to alienate them from that parent. Children need to discover for themselves whether it’s possible to have a relationship with their parent, as painful as that may be. You don’t have to cultivate unwarranted hope, but neither should you make them not want to have a relationship just for the sake of hoping to protect them from hurt feelings when their parent doesn’t relate to them.

6. Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know. Your job is not to provide all the answers, but to be there for them. Why did Mommy leave? Why doesn’t Daddy come visit me? Sometimes there aren’t answers. “I don’t know why. But I know one thing: it’s not because of you. You are the coolest kid. Who wouldn’t want to spend time with you!”

7. Encourage your children to ask questions, express their feelings, and approach you at any time if they need to.

8. Be positive. If you’re doing Step One effectively then this step will be easier. Assure the children that everything will be okay. If there are issues of finances, then be sure you’re seeking the help that you need to make it true that everything will be okay. If there are some questionable issues, be honest. When you are reaching out to those who can help then you can honestly tell them that it’s a concern, but you’re dealing with it and they don’t have to worry about it.

Tips & Warnings

• How to be honest but not negative, you might wonder. Here’s an example of what that might look like. Child’s question: Why doesn’t Daddy love me? Answer: Daddy loves you as much as he can. It has nothing to do with you, because you are so lovable! (said with feeling) Daddy was not loved by his daddy, so he didn’t have an example of how to love a kid.” The response shouldn’t deny a truth, but it also shouldn’t put down the absent parent.
• Make use of the book My Parents Got a Divorce compiled by Gary Sprague to help kids talk about their feelings.
• Some children are really good at supporting a parent. Be careful that you don’t allow them to become your support. Having at least one adult that you can talk to and lean on allows you to be able to say to your supportive child: “It’s so awesome that you care so much about me. I don’t want you to worry, I have friends that are there for me. This is an adult problem and I can handle it. What you can do for me is give me a hug and pray for me.”

Resources

• Telling Children You're Getting a Divorce

[tundranut]

on 3/10/2009 This is all excellent advice. Really great article about dealing w a missing parent. So much more needs to be said. 5*