How to Have an Ego-Free Conversation

Great spiritual teachers remind us again and again that losing our egos is an essential step toward emotional peace and authentic communion with the divine. But it isn't just your spiritual life that thrives when you learn to surrender your ego; your interpersonal relationships will also deepen and flourish from a shift to selflessness. Even the most basic conversations can become heightened interactions when you view the world through a "We" lens instead of a "Me" lens. May these tips help you cultivate an abundance of fulfilling, ego-free conversations!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• An ego to banish
• Another person

1. Start observing. Awareness is the essential first step toward changing your behavior. How often do you begin stories with the words I, me or my? How often do you respond to a story told by a friend with a story about yourself? How often do you give unsolicited advice? How often do you think thoughts like: “I am right; you are wrong" during a conversation?
2. Ask: “What can I give to this conversation?” We all want to be valued and appreciated by those around us. But if we enter a conversation hoping to get something (attention, sympathy or praise) as opposed to giving something (compassion, understanding or openness) we turn the conversation into a self-centered ego trip as opposed to a genuine exchange.
3. Dig deeper. Whether it’s somebody you just met or a longtime friend, it can be easy to let conversations remain superficial. You might ask people: “What do you do for a living?” but fail to inquire about the specifics of what their work entails, if they enjoy their work or if they have a dream career that they hope to pursue someday. You might ask friends: “How are you?" but forget to seek out the details that lie beneath the surface of their answer. How might your conversations change if you followed up every expected question with three thoughtful, deeper questions?
4. Speak when it’s your turn. Allow people to finish their thoughts before speaking. Do not interrupt or finish their sentences for them.
5. Respond, not react. When a person says something that irritates or angers you, or that you think is completely wrong, don’t explode like a firecracker. Take time--whether it's a few moments to breathe or a few days to process--and give a centered, thoughtful response as opposed to an egocentric knee-jerk reaction.
6. Try a challenge: Can you go for an entire day without saying the words I, me or my?
7. Choose your company with care. While you will never be able to create a bubble of perfect, selfless people in your life, you can choose friends, acquaintances, and to some degree, even coworkers who share a likeminded approach to relating. If you hang around egomaniacs all day, you’ll either end up a doormat or an egomaniac yourself.

Tips & Warnings

• Don’t worry! Having ego-free conversations will not turn you into an uninteresting, opinionless pushover. In fact, I have found quite the opposite to be true.
• The ego is prideful and quick to react, judge, blame and disregard. Where do you see these tendencies popping up in your conversations?
• Remember, you won't get it right all the time. Even the Dalai Lama has had struggles with this lesson. Be patient. Loosing the ego is a lifelong journey.