How to Convince Others You are in a Band

Being in a band is cool. Especially if it’s a cool band. Very especially if this is a band so cool that no one has even heard of it. You can convince others you are in a band that cool by following these easy steps.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Gusto, and plenty of it
• A fashionable but slightly odd outfit would be handy

1. Prepare your band name ahead of time. It may seem that the best band names are simply flung together in the moment. In actuality all great band names are mini-poems reflecting their creator. If you spontaneously announce your band name, it will sound too forced.
2. Decide the sound of your band in the moment. Avant-rock, ethnic genres, psychedelic and blues are all excellent choices. Indicate that while the crowd is such a mixed bag, two groups that seem to enjoy you are young, fashionable types and critics.
3. Discuss with others your band, primarily describing its sound in unclear or mind-numbingly fantastic terms. “We’re basically composer John Barry’s nightmare, if it were music made of glass shards and black tar,” would be a good start.
4. Invent influences. Use obscure personal references to your own emotional history. Combine this with a spontaneous fake name coupled with a third-tier city, such as “Hollerbone Watkins, from Cleveland, actually.” Don’t be afraid of international cities!
5. Describe performances in very tangential ways, immediately followed by self-depreciating remarks. “Strange, we once played a show, I suppose literally, on that same body of water. It was for some ostentatious art film, though, so the audience was a very small, single print sort of crowd.”
6. When pressed for details on any subject you can’t answer, just reply that “sometimes it feels weird to talk about myself and my art,” and add that you’d prefer not to at the moment.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't forget to pick your own band talent and discuss its unique genius!
• Have good back-up reasons why you can't play your chosen instrument if someone asks!
• Pretending to be in a band can be easier if you have a pretend-band internet presence.