How to Toss Discipline Out the Window

When my friend Alice was expecting her first baby, she often told me: “My kids will never do that,” and then she would elaborate on the things she would never allow her children to do, think, say, eat or wear. As parents-to-be we have notions about how we want to raise our children, and while it’s good to visualize how the addition of a child will change family life, those changes are not always in the ways that were expected. Once a child is born, parents are coping with a baby who has a mind and will of his own, and as the baby grows into a toddler, a tween and eventually a teenager, the parents face even more “let me do it my way” challenges. Eventually, parents learn that controlling a child’s every thought and action is not always the best approach. In fact, in the big scheme of raising a child, miniscule rules and lofty ideals don’t matter at all. Don’t get me wrong; kids, regardless of age, need limits, but they also need a sensitive parent who recognizes that a child’s free will and imagination are often more central to raising a creative, happy child than upholding hardline principles. Instead of laying down the law all the time, there are instances when easing up on preferences makes family life happier. Some kids need more structure than others, but even so, when it’s appropriate. Here are five rules that are OK to throw away.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Replace: "Don’t be Silly" with "Be a Silly"
   Children, full of giggles and curiosity, are the merriment makers. When parents get too uptight and stiff, that’s when children come in handy. They know how to enjoy simple things. Children appreciate the lighter side of things and remind us to slow down and view the world from an innocent perspective. Being silly unites a family in the joy of the moment.
2. Replace: "Don’t Stay Up Past Bedtime" with "You Can Stay Up Later"
   Oh sure, it’s important for kids to have regular bedtimes and adequate rest. But occasional deviation from bedtime routines won’t ruin health. A reprieve for special occasions or a bedtime break for no reason is part of growing up. Every kid wants to find out what’s going on after the lights go out.
3. Replace: "Don’t Talk Back" with "It’s Ok to Speak Up"
   The skill to assert oneself by speaking out begins early. To navigate through life, a child must learn to articulate with words and speak up. The ability to express oneself clearly requires practice. I’m not saying that you should give the OK for disrespectful remarks, but giving a child a chance to express his opinions and negotiate, teaches good communication, and that's how a child learns to handle social and school environments.
4. Replace: "No Skipping School" with "You Can Stay Home Today"
   Just as adults need mental health days to skip out of work, so do children need time away from school. Besides, there are many lessons to be learned outside the classroom. Sure we want kids to take school seriously, but it’s also important for them to experience all of life. Whether it’s a family vacation or a day staying home to lounge around or a trip with Dad to work, these hands-on experiences are beneficial in ways that aren’t graded.
5. Replace: "Don’t Show Off" with "You're a Star"
   Being the center of attention sends a positive message that a child is worthy of appreciation. It’s a boost in self-confidence. By focusing on each achievement such as catching a fly ball or mastering a piano tune, you inspire the child to improve and reach for bigger challenges.

Tips & Warnings

• By throwing out the rules once in a while, your child is less likely to be upset in circumstances when you have to put your foot down.