How to Recognize Signs of Relational Aggression in Girls

Girls bully differently than boys. While you may recognize the signs of physical aggression and fighting, do you know the signs of relational aggression? Learn how to spot the signs and determine if your daughter is a target, bully, or bystander.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Know the signs. The definition of relational aggression is intentionally manipulating relationships to harm others. The most common form of this is exclusion, either by refusing to talk, giving a cold shoulder, or keeping someone "out of the loop" by not allowing her to sit at the lunch table or not inviting her to a party or to play at recess. Girls also exclude by giving mean stares and faces, gossiping, and spreading rumors in person and online.
2. Accept reality. If you have a daughter or work with girls, accept that this is probably going to occur, at least until the girls learn the skills of face-to-face conflict resolution. Good friends can become instant enemies the next day. Even if your daughter never mentions trouble with friends does not mean she has not experienced some level of conflict or anxiety regarding a relationship. Girls often refrain from sharing with parents because they don't want you to think poorly of their friends, or worse, break up the friendship.
3. Monitor grades. One of the quickest ways to know if your daughter is suffering is to monitor her grades. Girls who are targets of mean girls find it difficult to concentrate in school because it's like entering a battlefield. Note her stress level at home too. Monitor how much time she's spending alone versus with her friends - if something has changed dramatically, she could be a target. Big changes in eating and/or sleeping habits (increase or decrease) are other red flags of stress.
4. Call out bullying behavior. The truth is your daughter could be a bully. How do you know? She probably has a very high level of self-esteem and confidence. She may challenge you and your rules, tend to be self-centered, and spends an enormous amount of time monitoring the actions and relationships of her circle. Bullies also lack a lot of empathy. They really don't care about others too deeply or imagine how others may feel. It's hard to admit that this could be your daughter, but if you're honest, you can help turn it around. Require that she spend more time away from friends so that she does not rely on manipulating others to define her power. Also, get her involved in some form volunteering (as a family is even better). Getting her to see others' needs is key. Finally, give immediate discipline for disrespectful behavior. Letting it go only communicates that it's okay to treat others poorly. If she can bully you, she's tormenting others her age.
5. Coach bystanders. Maybe your daughter is neither target nor bully, but she's stuck in between. She sees the bullying, but does nothing to stop it, probably out of fear. You'll know because she's totally stressed over trying to make everyone happy, she doesn't like conflict, and rarely shares her opinion without checking with everyone else first. Coach her through scenarios and help her develop a plan of action. Talk her through responses to her actions and how she can remain resilient if and when others don't agree with her. The sooner she learns these skills, the more confident she'll be in the rest of her life.
6. Get support. If you feel your daughter is suffering and she's not opening up to you, get help. Consult a counselor in your area who specializes in girls' health and wellness or relational aggression. Many counselors offer parenting coaching by telephone if you can't find a specialist in your area. To learn more about parent coaching, find a list of recommended books, or to order Capable & Confident! Raising Empowered Girls a CD for parents, visit www.susanfee.com.