How to siphon gas like a real man

Every so often a real man will be so busy with life, keeping his brood in line, making sure his wife is happy, taking the kids to Obo lessons (it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what an Obo is, the important thing is you are being the central masculine figure in your kid’s life and you will drive them to practice with something that comes in a long black case and are the hero) But sometimes we get so busy with life that we can forget to put fuel in the car/truck/motorcycle but not a mini van. No real man drives a minivan – they are for girls. So you are running late for your kid’s recital/karate practice/whatever and you notice that the gas gauge is on empty and you have no $ until Friday when you get paid. What do you do? Well, your neighbor has a car doesn’t he?

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Thin tube or garden hose – about 8’ long or longer
• Gas can
• Driveway with a slope
• The cover of darkness
• 1 Steak

1. This requires pre planning as you will need to do it at night. Find a neighbor with an older car – a Cadillac or Ford LTD. The older the better. For two reasons: The gas tank will be bigger and it won’t have that annoying cage thing in the middle of the filling hose that will stop your own hose from snaking down into their tank.
2. Walk over with a steak, (a cheap one) and toss it to his dog in the backyard to keep him quiet for a while.
3. Open the cap to the tank and snake the hose down until you feel it reach bottom.
4. Put the gas can you are filling into on a lower elevation than the actual gas tank. Otherwise you won’t get the siphoning action required to fill your gas can.
5. This next step is what separates the real men from the wannabes – squat down beside the gas can you are going to fill and put your own mouth on the hose. Start sucking. It will be tough at first to get the fuel to draw up the hose but soon you should be rewarded with a splashing mouthful of fuel! At this point start coughing and sputtering. It is ok if the fuel causes your eyes to tear, this is acceptable since it isn't from an emotional injury.
6. Quickly take the end of the hose and place it in the gas can as the siphoning action will quickly fill the can.
7. Cough and sputter and wipe the tears from your eyes.
8. *Caution* as a real man who is suffering at this moment it is natural to reach for a cigarette. This would be a bad idea. Or a good idea depending on how much you know about Darwin’s Theory. Wait till the taste of the fuel is out of your mouth and for god sake change your shirt.
9. Guide to know what kind of fuel you just siphoned:
   
   Regular tastes tangy
   Ultra tastes sweet
   Diesel tastes pretty good
10. When your gas can get full, remove the hose and put the cap back on your neighbor’s car. Then go fill up your own car.

Tips & Warnings

• Promise yourself you will pay your neighbor back somehow in the future. Like letting him borrow your rake or hedge clippers, just as long as he brings them back (see How to borrow tools from a real man).
• In no way do I condone illegal activity.