Things You'll Need:
- courage,
- wisdom
- love
- prayer
- A book or two
-
Step 1
You found out he (or she) is cheating on you and your emotions are at a peak. You feel violated, hurt, angry, jealous, and fearful; but mostly you feel bewildered and abandoned. The number ONE worst thing you can do at this time is to cling and beg..and unfortunately, this is the very thing most "cheated on" victims do...cling, act desperate, and beg. If you feel tempted to plead "for the kids" or "for our marriage"...don't do it right now. If you feel this kind of urge coming on...get away. Go away for a while and nurse your wounds, but do NOT approach your spouse while you are in this "begging and pleading" mode. Also do not approach them with anger at this time (even though it is justified). It doesn't work in most cases...and often turns them away from you.
-
Step 2
You need to look "strong" even if you don't feel like it inside. If there are children involved, they need to see that mom (or dad) still cares about them and their needs. Do NOT involve your children or ask them to "take sides." You need to be doing things that will help your children AND YOUR SPOUSE respect you during this time. More importantly, YOU need to have respect for yourself during this time.
-
Step 3
Read a book by Doctor James Dobson titled "Love Must Be Tough" in which he addresses all these very issues. Many marriages have been saved using the principles he advocates in his book. You also have to face the possibility that your marriage will not be saved, but you need to know you took all the "right" steps and did everything you can (except plead and beg...please get this firmly in your mind!)
-
Step 4
Find neutral ground to talk about things. Prepare yourself. See if you and your spouse can go somewhere neutral, like a restaurant, where you can discuss what is happening in your marriage. In order to prepare yourself, you need to be able to sit down and talk without weeping, or breaking out emotionally...difficult as this seems. Use a little of that anger you have to stiffen your backbone and avoid groveling. It is OK to say things, like "I'm extremely disappointed, but I want to talk about whether we can work things out or not." or "We have a lot invested in this marriage, it seems as if we owe it to ourselves to see if we can salvage some of that investment." Give your spouse a chance to talk, rather than venting your own feelings (justified as they may be)..and LISTEN. You may be surprised at what you learn and what you hear.
-
Step 5
See if your spouse will meet you with a third NEUTRAL person to discuss whether your relationship can be redeemed. This third person should optimally be a good marriage counselor, but if your spouse rebels (as many do) at the idea of "counseling," try for someone who can arbitrate between the two of you and who does not take sides, but who you know for sure, would like to help see your marriage remain intact. Throwing dirt and accusing and getting revenge only relieves our hurt temporarily and they often cause the problems to deepen and drive a greater wedge. This is not to say that the offending spouse is getting off "scott free" because this behavior must not be allowed to continue if you are to remain together, so it must eventually be discussed and agreement reached on future actions. Do NOT accuse or point at the "other woman." In fact, you are better off if you act as if this person is somewhat insignificant to you. YOU, believe it or not, are in the position of power if you take the reigns, read Doctor Dobson's book and follow it to the letter.
-
Step 6
Lastly, this did not happen in a vacuum. Your spouse is not all wrong and you are not all right. There are two people, and possibly children, in this relationship and all have contributed to the problems you have. If your spouse won't go for counseling, you need to go by yourself. It will help you tremendously in facing and improving your own part, even if very small, and it will help you regain respect for yourself. Just taking that step alone, will make you feel better about yourself and the future. Good luck!
Comments
darmac said
on 5/1/2008 Claudia...this article was written expressly to a woman who REQUESTED advice on how to stay in the marriage and keep her husband. The title could not be changed because that was how she typed it in. Some people choose to leave a chating spouse. Others want to try to work it out. This article was written for the latter.
Author...Darmac
claudiaburr said
on 4/25/2008 I can't believe this "ehow" is on here. What? "How to Face a Cheating Husband the Other Woman Without Losing Him" btw-the title doesn't even make sense. Leave a man that cheats on you. That should be the only advice. Give me a break. There would never be any trust and the woman would never feel special again.