How to Confront a Cheating Husband Without Losing Him

Can you keep a husband who is straying? (Male Perspective)

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Courage
• The ability to be brutally honest with yourself
• Patience

1. Find out why your husband is cheating on you. This may not be easy. No doubt he has already rationalized it, or perhaps not even thought about his reason(s) for doing it. You may already know the answer and not be willing to face it. It may be something you did, you didn't do, you stopped doing, you started doing. It may be something he believes about himself. He may have had a father who cheated on his mother and he told himself that the same thing was going to happen to him. He may be an inveterate seducer of women who lives for the conquest. He may have just been going through a mid-life crisis... he was feeling old and undesirable and a woman who made him feel desirable again showed up in his life. This other woman may have been willing to perform some sexual act that you won't perform or that he never asked you to. The worst possibility, of course, is that he has fallen out of love with you and in love with this other woman. (This is where the brutal honesty with yourself comes in.)
2. This will of course depend on the answer in Step One. If your husband still loves you and not the other woman, then your odds of success are good. If he doesn't love you any more and loves this other woman, your odds of success are quite low (but not 0). Assuming you have discovered the real reason for his cheating, you are now in a position to deal with it. If his reason for cheating was something you did or didn't do, in particular, withholding your love from him, then you have to bite the bullet and start acting the way he wants. If his reason for cheating was something within him, some self-destructive belief that he has about himself, then you have to try to get him to therapy to deal with his issues. If his reason for cheating is that he loves this other woman, then you are going to have to let him go (mentally), take the following steps, and hope for the best.
3. Act like a newlywed. While it is okay to be angry, bitter, and resentful, these emotions won't help you keep a straying husband. You can make it clear to him that you are unhappy with his behavior and that it is not okay for him to cheat on you, but don't let your behavior be determined by your darkest emotions. Instead, act like you did when you were first married: praise him, stroke his ego, tell him how great he is, make yourself sexually available to him, even initiate sex with him if he is willing. Do something new in the bedroom you've never done before. Be as kind and pleasant to him as you would to a perfect stranger whom you wanted to impress and make your friend. Be charming. If he has moved out, make sure that every contact that he makes with you is as pleasant as you can manage. The other woman may end up driving him back to you. Remember that looks will get a man, but it's personality that will hold him. So make yours nicer than hers.
4. Visualize success. You must keep an image in your mind of a successful outcome. This may be an image of the two of you reconciled and enjoying an evening out together. It may be an image of the two of you going on a trip together and enjoying each other's company. It may be an image of the two of you in old age, still together, still happy. Whatever image of success you come up with, hold it firmly in your mind and don't let it go. Keep your focus on the outcome that you want, a strong and happy marriage, and not on the problem that confronts you at the moment, his cheating, and the problem won't seem so insurmountable.
5. Ignore her. The other woman is not your concern, only your husband is. You do not need to talk to her, confront her, scream at her, threaten her, or anything else. You should pretty much act like she doesn't exist. You may feel like she has wronged you in some way, but you know that some guy could want to be with you without you ever giving in to his desires, and you wouldn't feel that he had wronged your husband, you would feel flattered by his attention. Similarly, she may have wanted to be with your husband, but he didn't have to give in to her desires, or he may have gone looking for someone on his own. In either case, it is he who has done you wrong, not her. So don't pay her any attention. It only deflects you from your purpose, which is saving your marriage.
6. Move on. Whether the outcome is that he leaves the other woman and comes back to you or that he leaves you for the other woman, your final step is the same: get past it. If he leaves the other woman and comes back to you, don't let the bitterness and resentment fester in you until it poisons your whole relationship. Find a way to forgive him and to move on. Similarly, if he leaves you and doesn't come back, don't let the bitterness and resentment fester in you and poison any chance at finding a new and better relationship. Find a way to forgive him and move on. You must be a desirable woman or he would not have married you in the first place.

Tips & Warnings

• I'm not a professional therapist, so any tips from the pros out there I will gladly add to the article.
• These are the moments when we say or do things we regret later, or even instantly. Try to take a breath before everything you say or do during these difficulties. It will give your brain a chance to say, "Don't do it!"