How to Deal With Girls

Daughters are wondrous mysteries to fathers. They're somewhat akin to a spouse or ex-girlfriend and yet also frighteningly different. If you're a confused father just trying to figure out how to deal with your girls, pull up a chair. We can help.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Take one last longing look at the bathroom. You'll never see it again. Your functional, orderly restroom will soon be an explosion of makeup, frilly things and clouds of hairspray and perfume. Your single bottle of shampoo will magically transform into a selection of 12 floral concoctions and your razor will be dull for the next decade.
2. Prepare for your wisdom to go unnoticed. Gone are the days of Daddy as the all-powerful answerer of questions and righter of wrongs. In the eyes of your girls, you're just a boy who can't possibly understand. Don't inquire about this mysterious subject matter you don't understand unless you have no fear of the dreaded eye-roll.
3. Open your wallet a lot. In fact, there isn't much sense in closing it at all. As soon as you do, your girls will be back with "Please, Daddy," puppy dog eyes. It's best to leave your wallet on the table where it's readily available until empty.
4. Practice your "Duck and Cover" technique as taught back in elementary school. Daughters go from angry ranting to hysterical crying faster than you'll ever be able to escape. For your own protection, you must quickly Stop, Drop and Roll.
5. Buy the most powerful toy squirt gun you can find. Wipe it down with gun oil whenever boys come over to visit your daughters. Say nothing to these boys unless they speak directly to you. In that case, simply stop what you're doing and stare for a full ten seconds. Allow your left eye to twitch. Without a word, resume wiping your squirt gun with oil. Forget "Intimidating." Go for "Unbalanced."

Tips & Warnings

• When in doubt how to cope or deal with your girls, bring home lots of presents. Presents usually save the day.