How to Resolve Every Argument!

We all have arguments with others at times. And, often we come away feeling as though we have not resolved anything at all; rather, we may even feel as though we've dug in deeper than before.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Humility, forgiveness, mercy
• Kindness, acceptance, patience
• Love, peace, wisdom

1. Avoid the negative; choose the positive. Why do we argue? This is very hard to say, since everyone argues for and about a wide variety of subjects and issues. In my opinion, most arguments are rooted in something quite deep in all of us; the child within.
2. What child? The child within is usually described in terms of that "still-growing-up-core-being" deep down in all of us. That "still-wet-behind-the-ears" youngster who has grown up on the outside, but is still blossoming on the inside, and still very fragile and vulnerable and unsure of a lot of things.
3. We all seek our "comfort zones"! What does the inner-child have to do with arguments? Well, as I said, I'm of the opinion that most arguments are rooted there. When someone says or does something we dislike, it might be because our inner-child has not yet gained the wisdom to be able to accept certain comments, actions or behaviors others engage in. Or, if we say or do something others dislike, it might be because we have not yet gained the wisdom to know what comments, actions or behaviors are acceptable to others. So, it is always a two-way situation, in any case; and takes two to work at effective resolution.
4. We're all different! Argument vs debate: Of course, it is important to understand that arguments are not the same as debates. As I see it, arguments are more personally grounded, and fundamentally infringing upon something sensitive within us. Debates are strictly "topical" (i.e., relating to topics). I guess that could also be thought of as "superficial" (i.e., not infringing on the inner-child).
5. Resolve every argument? Yes. I believe it can be done. It is not without some effort and focused thinking, but if time is taken to delve into, evaluate and understand the true reasons for the argument's origins as they relate to the inner-child infringements, it might be more possible to work on those details, rather than spouting off essentially irrelevant diatribes and attacks of character and behavior.
6. This will help! How so? If the wound is on the inside, it makes sense to me that the healing needs to be on the inside too. What good does yelling, screaming, throwing things or even striking others do to resolve what hurts inside? Perhaps these help to dissipate the adrenaline rushes we experience when angry or upset, but other than that, not much good can come from these; and, real harm CAN come from them.
   I like what Isaac Asimov said in his "Foundation" trilogy: "Violence is the last resort of the ignorant". In other words, the NON-ignorant NEVER resort to violence, even as a last resort. Arguments are similar to violence, in that they have the potential for causing pain and suffering and harm, and both might arise from similar places within us.
7. What then? Knowing this, and responding instead to the deeper seated "inner-child-infringement", I believe we can learn to concentrate on what really matters. We can learn to discuss root causes, instead of the effects or "symptoms" of them.
8. Think positive thoughts. How??? When that feeling of anger or argumentation begins to well up inside, take a few deep "cleansing-breaths". Breathe in deeply several times, exhaling slowly. When you have calmed down from the adrenaline, THEN, and ONLY THEN, begin discussing or conversing. DO NOT attempt to discuss or converse with others who might be also feeling similarly, until both parties are calm enough to carry on a meaningful, civilized conversation aimed at seeking answers to questions arising from that inner-child's sensitivity to certain comments, actions, behaviors, conditions or situations relating to the parties involved.
9. What is the bottom line? OK, in my opinion, the bottom line is this: If we can learn to dissolve or neutralize the "violence" or anger stemming from certain triggers and situations BEFORE we enter into dialog or conflict or confrontation, we might just be able to think clearly enough to intelligently and effectively talk about what REALLY matters; that inner-child's sense of infringement.
10. Which will it be? Hmmmm.....
    OK; sounds like "flowers and butterflies" stuff, but...maybe it can't hurt to try!

Tips & Warnings

• Good luck!
• This article is based on personal understanding and learning, and represents my own views on the topic.
• Not intended to usurp or disavow other similar theories.