How to Survive an Affair

When a woman suspects her husband is cheating and there may be another woman involved, sometimes their first reaction may be to do something that is not only against the law, but could also be used against them in case of a custody dispute. Should you decide to confront your husband, and you are still interested in keeping him, the key is to look above the action he is presently committing and go right to the root of the problem. If the original cause of his cheating is not addressed, he may do it again. To help address his problems and try to save the relationship, a therapist, counselor, or pastor will need to get involved. This way, you will not only have the support there but your partner can be more open and not worry about any physical retaliation in that situation. Remember though: NEVER get violent with anyone; especially if you have children involved. A mistake on your partner’s side is not worth you acquiring a criminal record.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Support of a counselor or pastor
• legal counsel should attempt not work
• calm, firm demeanor

1. First, get your support in place. Make an appointment with a counselor or pastor and tell them that you think your husband is cheating and that you want to try to save the relationship. They will probably suggest you bring him and explain your feelings to him. When asking him to come with you to the appointment, remember to be calm. Tell him you know what is going on and ask him if he is really finished with the relationship or if he still wants to stay in it. This is not giving him the power to choose, it is just his way of telling you whether or not he will put forth any effort into saving the relationship. If he chooses to end it and does not want to salvage any relationship with you, then if you have children involved, have him come with you to counseling so you two can receive counseling on how to be co-parents and support your children through a divorce.
2. However, if he does want to try to save the relationship with you, then immediate actions need to take place. First, he must immediately call the other woman and break off the relationship with her. Be in the room and remain perfectly quiet. I know you may want to shout, scream and use foul language, but that will not solve anything. Make sure you do not say anything to her. Why should you? This is his mess that he got into and he needs to clean it up on his own. Just remain in the room to make sure that he does say that he is ending it and means it. You will know by the tone in his voice. Next, when that is done, set ground rules. He is to immediately change his phone number. If he complains about the $35 cost to change a number, ask his is that amount worth saving is marriage?
3. Next set some ground rules that he must follow. If his affair was with someone at his job, he must immediately try to find another one. Yes, the other woman could, but what is the likelihood that she will? This is your relationship, and you are taking charge and not waiting for anyone else to do it. If you are dependent on his income to support your family, then he is to only speak to the other woman if absolutely necessary. Already this relationship was probably against company policy, as most jobs forbid inter-office dating. If he is dead-set on keeping the job, then until he can be trusted, he is to go to work and straight home. Add time for the commute and he is to be home at a reasonable time after his shift ends. You do not need to play his babysitter and take him to and from work, as that would be taking time away from yourself or your children to chase after him.
4. Now try to keep him as busy as possible, as idle time usually equates to trouble with cheating spouses. Get him involved in men’s groups at church, as a volunteer parent with your children’s activities or have the two of you take up a sport together. Remember though, to keep your weekly counseling appointment together and follow the advice of your counselor or pastor. Their support is invaluable, as your tow will both be re-examining yourself and your relationship together. In this process either of you may realize that you do not want to continue in this relationship. If this happens, you will have your support network already in place.
5. Finally, realize that this is not a fix-all. If after going to counseling he decides he wants to be out on his own, let him. While he did not respect you enough to not cheat on you initially, he did respect his family enough to make an effort though counseling to try to stay in the relationship, improve himself, and work on his parenting skills to be a better father for his family. The same can be said for you if you decide the relationship isn’t working for your needs. Regardless of any past feelings either of you have both good or bad, the main focus should be on your futures. Above all else, the health and well-being of your family unit should surpass all other past mistakes. Please, remember all actions you do directly affect all members of your family unit. Always put your children first. Men come and go in life, but your children will only have one mom. Be the best mom you can be. If this wasn’t your time in life to be a wife, your time will come again. As long as you are doing the right thing for your children, that is all that is important.

Tips & Warnings

• NEVER get violent! This could come back to hurt you legally, especially if you have children.
• NEVER confront the other woman! You did not get into this mess and it is not your job to clean it up. Have your husband break all ties with her if he chooses to concentrate on family reconciliation.
• Always have your support network in place before confronting your husband.
• Remember your goal if you have children, is to be the best mom to them that you can be. All of your actions will reflect that.
• No violence, as you don't need a criminal record, nor do you want anything brought up in court in case there is a custody hearing.