How to Survive Going Bald

So you are going Bald. Join the club. Not the hair club for men but the get real club; that creeping revelation of your scalp has just allowed you entrance. The Get Real Club consists of the 71% of American males who will experience some form of hair loss in their precious and dynamic lives. So here are fifteen ways to feel better about what Dear Abbey calls A man’s secret heartache... (Oh, Abbey if you only knew, if you only knew...)

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A new found appreciation for round objects.

1. Get used to it. No matter how long you stare at your head in the mirror, it will not go away and chances are its going to get worse. That’s the downside. The upside? You get better. You’ll get over it. You simply learn to incorporate your naked pate into your daily life and move on.
2. Turn off the television. I know this will be hard. But television’s gears grind on corporal denial and the celebration of youthful stereotypes. The young hair-guys are heroes, the bald-guys are foolish, awkward, confused, fat etc. The good news: In real life it’s just the other way around. Having less hair, bald and balding men tend to pay more attention to other parts of their body -- staying in shape; watching what they eat. With less hair, their brains are cooler and cool heads always prevail!
3. Know that 71% of the NFL Players are not exempt. It’s just that they wear helmets. The same for Baseball Players. Hockey? Well, half those guys are teenagers for crying out loud. Oh, yes while were on sports, how much hair did the world’s greatest Basketball Player and all around superman, Michael Jordan have?
4. Santa Claus is bald.
5. Bruce Willis.
6. Larry: nicest Stooge of the Three Stooges. Side note: Curly, the most endearing Stooge, had practically no hair. Moe? He had a Beatle-cut and was nothing but a meany
7. Saddam Hussein had a full head of hair. Likewise, Charles Mason. Ted Bundy liked nothing better than a fresh crisp hair-cut right up until the day they shaved it to put him in the electric chair.
8. All the real great women dig bald guys. Woman love vulnerability. What’s more vulnerable than a bald guy? I ask you? I don’t know about you, but when I’m out I see all the best looking women on the arms of those old smoothies.
9. Guys with great heads of hair tend to surf all day. Bald guys get to run whole companies. (Hey, I watch CNBC.) Note: TV preachers -- they’re all anguish, fire, brimstone and suffering and they all have great heads of hair. Go figure.
10. Welcome:Matt Lauer.
11. Minoxidil was introduced ten years ago and you know, every where I go I see nothing but hairy guys. Everyone looks like James Brolin don’t they? And no matter what the makers of those expensive new elixirs that are hawked on the radio and late night cable tell you, if they really worked they wouldn’t be so expensive, the demand would bring the price down.
12. Hair plugs are called that because that’s exactly what they look like.
13. They still have not invented a personality pill. Now hear this: you were born with one, use it.
14. If someone is going to judge your worth, job performance, suitability as a mate, degree of loyalty or your ability to walk and chew gum at the same time by the amount of hair on your head, they probably were not worth knowing in the first place.
15. Do you really need hair? How many of your actual day to day battles rely on your hair? Think about it. Do guys with more hair drive better? Breathe the same air differently? Quick! You’re asked to disarm a nuclear device on a crowded city bus. What of the following would you need? 1. Pliers. 2.A knowledge of nuclear fusion. 3. A Danny Zucko Duck Tail.

Tips & Warnings

• Here's the best advice I can give. Make no apologies for nature's way, do not opt for the self-denial rope throw hair cut. Just see you and your forehead moving forward. To all my hair-challenged friends out there: Heads Up!
• You just might find that bald man in the mirror is pretty cool.