How to Become a Regular at a Local Bar

Don’t we all want that place we can go at the end of a long day where everyone knows our name? Just imagine stepping over those tired floor boards, smelling the stale beer lilting in the air, and hearing those pool balls collide as the bartender calls out, “the usual!” Here, you don’t even need to respond. You just slowly sink into your seat and wonder why the world has to be so hard. Read on to learn how to become a regular at a local bar.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Local bar establishment
• Disposable income
• Hearty liver
• Addictive personality

1. So you just moved to a new town and you need a new go-to bar. The first you need to do is get a lay of land by walking a round and trying a few bars out on a weekday evening. The more nestled the bar is into a residential area the better, because this means people have to “know” about it not just stumble on it after an afternoon of boutique shopping. Weekdays are also better than weekends to get a sense of the regulars who truly have nowhere else to go and are more likely to befriend a fellow dweller of the dark and damp.
2. Most likely you will be confronted with resistance at first, maybe even outright neglect. Well, much like a stoic father, local drunks and the bartenders that serve them might be hard to get to know at first, but once the walls are soaked and brought down they will love you like a sibling (or at least tell you so).
3. Make sure to stop in the bar now and then and just catch up on the gossip and daily happenings, even if you don’t stay for a drink. Bring your new boyfriends and girlfriends by and introduce them to your new friends. This will make you bar-mates feel like their approval is important and will also negate their sense of dwindling importance in the world.
4. When walking into the bar, often stop just after the door and yell out “You guys can’t believe what happened to me today.” Chances are they can’t, so they will want to hear your story. Friendship at bars is often based on a mixture of intrigue, evasion and confession. Make sure to not use up all your great stories at once. Feed them out slowly, like goldfish.
5. Start a “tab” with the bartender so that you don’t have to bother with cash and it always feels like you are indebted to each other. This way you can also forget how much money you are wasting on drinks and the chance to be social. Occasionally, bring funny objects or decorations to add to the bar. If there are record boards or “hall of fames,” make sure to get your name up there so you can show it off to your friends when they come by. Just think how impressive “most shots drank with his feet” could be.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't drink too much or get a job at the post office, for obvious reasons.