How to Rebuild Bridges After You Have Burned Them

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By Jane Smith
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Have you found yourself painted into a corner after a dispute with no clue how to restore a severed business tie, broken relationship or terminated friendship? We have all said or done things we regret at one time or another. Here's how to rebuild bridges after you have burned them.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Step 1

Be the first to apologize. Take a look at the situation after you have had a day or two to let your emotions cool. Frame your apology as an "I" statement, as in, "I was wrong to get so heated about _______. It hurt my feelings when I thought you were telling me _____. I should have _____ when I began to feel _____."
Step 2

Reframe the original dispute as a question, leaving out any accusing tones, hurt feelings or ad hominem attacks. Ad hominem attacks are those which question the other person's judgment, ability to feel, core values or humanity. They are below the belt blows, "I can't believe you just went there" comments and serve no purpose other than to vent anger and hurt while pouring gasoline on an already fast burning situation. Examples of a good reframing are, "Did you mean _______? Were you asking for ________? Were you trying to _________?"
Step 3

Wait for the other person to respond and listen to what they have to say without thinking about your response. Repeat back what they said, asking if you heard them correctly.
Step 4

Ask for clarification of terms and grievances, allowing the person to state their case without you trying to reply before they have finished. Respond with, "I didn't realize how important it was for you to be able to __________. I believe I see your point about ________." This tells the person you listened and shows them respect.
Step 5

Ask, "What would make you feel that this issue had been resolved to your satisfaction? How can we move forward to a solution to this issue?"
Step 6

Examine what type of reaction you are having to the situation. Are you acting as a parent, adult, or child? Transactional Analysis is a theory that we react from one of three roles. First is parent, where we tell others what to do and force our will upon them. Second, we react as a child when we blame others for what is happening, stomp, or insult the other person to get our way. Third is adult, where we talk things out as equals, and solve problems in such a way that both parties win.