Ask any teenager who the meanest man in the world is, and it's a good bet they'll say Simon Cowell. As a judge on the mega-popular reality TV show "American Idol," Simon Cowell is known for his scathing reviews of hopeful contestants and is widely considered the judge to win over, if anyone can. Being mean is easy, but being mean like Simon Cowell may take some practice.
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Difficulty:
Easy
Instructions
1
Be brutally honest when talking to people. Many people assume that Simon Cowell is being mean when he says something derogatory, but he is actually stating his opinions without bothering to be diplomatic about it. Telling someone up front that they don't look good or that they've made a bad choice is a good way to start being mean.
2
Be clever when insulting someone. While Simon Cowell is mean, he is also clever, which is why people can remember when he tells someone, for instance, that she "sounded like Dolly Parton on helium." In order to be clever, concentrate on hyperbole, metaphors and similes.
3
Don't be mean simply to be mean, since Simon Cowell is not mean to random strangers. Instead, his mean comments tend to be semi-constructive criticism, such as when he told a contestant, "You and Latin music go together like chocolate ice cream and an onion." Make sure that whenever you are mean, it is not primarily to hurt someone, but instead to cause them to shy away from doing whatever caused you to be mean to them.
4
Say what is on your mind regardless of the consequences. On one notable occasion in the sixth season of American Idol, an irate contestant doused Simon with water after being insulted, a fact that did not affect Simon's attitude at all. In order to be mean, one has to accept that not only will people not appreciate your meanness, but that their reactions simply aren't that important to you.
5
Preface your meanest statements with a pseudo-polite phrase such as "I don't mean to be rude, but..." before launching into the mean remark. This is one of Simon Cowell's trademarks and with a little tweaking it is acceptable for anyone trying to be mean. Good variations include, "I don't want to offend you, but..." and "I think you're great, except for..." both of which set up the target for the fall.
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