How to Joke Eliot Spitzer

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's patronizing of a high-class prostitution ring is one of those political scandals that will stay alive in jokes and parodies for much longer than the self-righteous pol spends battling his conviction through the courts. Humor, of course, is the gas that will keep this scandal alive. And in this case, being ridiculed publicly is the perfect punishment for a holier than thou politician, lawyer, prosecutor and attorney general who should have known better. As the famous Madam Heidi Fleiss points out: "I think he's an arrogant prick and he thinks he's above the law; no one likes a hypocrite." Continue the public punishment .... LAUGH.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. The Eliot Spitzer Thought Process Flowchart: Let's get it clear: A balding, rather dorky-looking governor who ran in 2006 on a platform of "cleaning up" politics has been caught texting a high-priced hooker service, employing prostitutes for the past six months?
   Here's a flowchart to show what Eliot Spitzer was thinking.....
   From:
   http://www.236.com/news/2008/03/11/thought_process_flowchart_elio_5065.php
2. JON STEWART attempts an explanation: "Obviously, the big story known by anyone with a television or a Google alert set to "prostitute": Eliot Spitzer, the law-and-order governor of New York, caught soliciting sexual favors from a prostitute. Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law-and-order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops."
3. Punish Spitzer like STEPHEN COLBERT: "Now, the governor was supposed to give a press conference today at 2:15 p.m. but a whole hour passed before he spoke. To be fair, it is daylight savings time and the governor usually has a prostitute change his clocks."
4. Or like JIMMY KIMMEL: "Today he held another press conference he said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally -- his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill." ... AND ANOTHER KICK: "Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then had a two-hour interlude with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam."
5. Or like DAVID LETTERMAN: "You know, I'm a half-full kind of guy. I always try to put a positive spin on stuff. Sure, it's a horrible story. On the other hand, you look at it this way, he was supporting New York's number one industry." AND AGAIN ...."The big new scandal breaking here in New York, Eliot Spitzer apparently involved in some kind of prostitution activities -- you know what that means? Hookers. And right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem." ...AND AGAIN: "Do you think it’s too soon to be hitting on Mrs. Eliot Spitzer?" ...AND AGAIN: "Did you happen to see the press conference? Very dramatic. Eliot Spitzer was there. He had yellow crime scene tape draped around his pants – crazy." ...AND AGAIN: "He’s caught now soliciting a hooker, but thank God, on the bright side, it did not involve an airport men’s room."
6. JAY LENO's punishing Spitzer too: "Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" ...AND AGAIN: "They found the source of all global warming in America: Eliot Spitzer’s pants." ....AND AGAIN: "According to the FBI wiretap, they had the transcript, Gov. Spitzer was listed as Client No.9. No. 9? He's the governor, who were the eight guys in front of him? You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first."
7. CONAN O'BRIEN takes his Spitzer punishment turn too: "It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call it even?'"