How to Make Everyone Think you are a Spy

Let’s be honest, spies are cool. So, if your neighbors let their dog leave disrespectful presents on your lawn, your coworkers snicker at your job description and your wife thinks you’re a slob, make them all wonder if you actually lead a secret life. For a real spy, blowing your cover could be deadly. For you, it could be really fun.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Dress in a tuxedo for no apparent reason. Show up at the movie theatre dressed to kill, offer a lame excuse for your clothes and then pretend something important has come up and that you have to leave. Rumors are sure to fly.
2. Back your car into your garage for a fast getaway. While the Johnsons line their cars up in a neat row, let them see you position your vehicle for a quick escape. Then, at 3 O’clock in the morning, squeal tires and race to the convenience store to buy a doughnut.
3. Speak into your watch as though it is a microphone. No spy is complete without an arsenal of covert gadgets. Slip into a closet at a party and let someone catch you mumbling secret codes into your timepiece while straddling a vacuum cleaner. If your watch talks back, get the heck out of that closet.
4. Carry a toy pistol and “accidentally” leave your coat open so others can see it. This works great at public events and during social functions. Should you choose a squirt gun, by all means, don’t fill it with water if you’re going to stick the leaky weapon in the belt of your pants.
5. Speak to the waiter at a French or Chinese restaurant in their native dialect when you order. Usually, a few choice words will elevate you to international status. Remember, though, that asking for a burrito at Taco Bell rarely has the same effect.
6. Grab a beautiful woman and break into a tango every chance you get. If you aren’t slapped or kicked in the groin, you’ll impress your friends and have a great time doing it. If you’re married, you may want to skip this step or else you’ll be sleeping in the garage in your backed-up car.
7. Use witty clichés and chuckle at your own cleverness. When the woman you asked to tango slaps you, strut back to your table and say, “My, what a striking young lady.” Remember that whether they’re kidnapped by terrorists or humiliated by the opposite sex, spies always keep their cool.

Tips & Warnings

• Should your coworkers threaten to blow your cover, it’s okay to open fire with your squirt gun.
• As an added bonus, learn Kung Fu and kick your neighbor’s dog back to its own yard.