How to Hunt a Dragon

Whether you’re under contract by a local king or you’re a big-game hunter looking for a new challenge, learning how to hunt a dragon is crucial to your success (and your health). Dragons are big and tough, and when you go up against the beast, only one of you will come out alive--sadly, the chances are it won’t be you. But hey, it’s never too late to not be a statistic. With proper dragon hunting technique, you’ll have a dragon head hanging on your den wall, right above the billiards table, in no time.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Dragon
• Steed
• Really big sword

1. Find the dragon. Before you can kill a dragon, you must find a dragon. Believe it or not, dragons are not very stealthy beasts. When they walk, the Earth trembles. When they exhale, entire villages are fireballed. If you’re looking for a dragon, stop, close your eyes and listen. The screams of murder and death you hear? Those are a good place to start.
2. Track the dragon. Once you know where the dragon has been, you can see where it’s going. Follow the trail of blood, limbs and bones. The dragon will knock down everything in its path--houses, trees and mountains. Above all else, you don’t want to confront a dragon when it’s ravaging a village. Whether hungry or pissed-off, that dragon might as well be invincible; instead, you want to track it to its lair.
3. Find the dragon’s lair. Dragons usually build nests in caves; however, it takes a large cave to house a dragon. Once you track your dragon to the mountain it calls home, you will need to navigate the internal network of tunnels and underground rivers to find its nest. Luckily, dragons do more than eat villagers--they steal their fortunes, too. The dragon’s lair will be filled with gold, treasures and weapons.
4. Check your weapon. When you’re ready to kill the dragon, you want to make sure your weapon is ready as well. Hopefully you’ve brought along a big sword, or at least a heavy mace or lance. Attacking a dragon with a butcher’s cleaver is the stuff of tragedy. Once you’ve evaluated the size and strength of the dragon, if you believe your weapon is not up to par, look around his lair. He probably already stole a better sword from a better warrior.
5. Kill the dragon. Since killing the dragon is your ultimate goal, everything up to this point will be worthless if you don’t come out of this alive. In his lair, the dragon will have less mobility than he would outside; however, you still need to avoid his tail, claws, teeth, wings, fire and poisonous spittle. A dragon’s scales are also usually impenetrable, so you’ll have to aim for his soft underbelly or throat. A hard, fast stroke or stab is all it takes--hacking away will make you look like an amateur, and I hope the dragon eats you.
6. Claim your trophy. Most kings will require proof of a dead dragon, and if you’re hunting for your own pleasure, a dragon’s head is better than any antler rack or mounted bass. Other dragon body parts may be worth money, depending on their medicinal properties, so before you embark on any dragon hunt, you should check the local market. If you’re going to be that stupid, you might as well make some money doing it.