How to Move Past a Spouse's Past

In every relationship, there is baggage. We all walk into new marriages with ex-lovers, previous mistakes and blemishes in our lives. If left unchecked and unresolved, these loose ends can wrap around the marriage’s neck and choke it. Fortunately, as much as old ghosts can haunt a relationship, they remain exact in their exorcism.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Realize the past is the past. No one can “un-ring” the bell so realizing that the things that have happened are over and have no power goes a long way towards empowering the marriage. If you spend too much time dredging up and going over what has happened, you keep it alive and kicking, alive while your marriage weakens and kicking you both around.

2. Talk about your feelings. Talking about your concerns, fears, acceptances and other emotions regarding your spouse’s past can help get negativity out of you and the relationship. Things left unsaid tend to grow until they take on a life of their own. Keeping your feelings in will only hurt you and your spouse while you imagine, dream up and picture the worst things possible. Many times what we feel and fear is much worse than reality and shrinks as we discuss it.

3. Communicate boundaries regarding past. Make sure the past stays the past. Old boyfriends/girlfriends, bad company and other undesirables from the past need to stay there. If there are issues with baggage that concern you, make sure you and your spouse are in agreement as to what’s acceptable and what’s not. If your beloved’s wild nights with crazy old college buddies makes you uncomfortable, let them know.

[imirinde]

on 4/30/2009 i have same problem, and the worst is that he tell me all time i make something how good the "other/s" was making it better... food, sex anything... im actually drop some of them.... if he said he didnt remember it... welll "maybe u drop them?" is my answerd :P

[HeidiS]

on 10/4/2008 My spouse has a box of pictures of ex's, including indecent pictures. Am I wrong for having this bother me? In the past when I've found pictures of ex's, he brushes it off saying that he forgot he even had that, which I believed, but now I'm having trouble believing it. He also has used the excuse that I should be confident enough in our relationship that ex photos shouldn't matter. It's in the past, but how can I when these pictures are in the home that I am trying to build with him. It makes me question our relationship and his feelings for me. I don't think he should hold on to those memories of ex-girlfriends. What should I do?