How to surf - and stay alive

If you learn anything about surfing from me, it will be to watch from the beach

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Beach
• Water
• Surfboard
• Desire to live

1. Make it out past the big waves without drowning - That part is quite difficult. Usually I wind up eating seaweed or shells a couple times as I gasp for breaths between being clobbered by huge waves. The secret is to paddle so fast that you forget all about the fact that you are going to die if you don't get through the 8 foot wave staring down at your 5 foot 10 inch body.

2. How to avoid man eating sharks - Sharks really shouldn't be an issue, except for when they bite. I like to bring along some repellent such as my wife's asparagus casserole from 2 nights before. If you get bitten however, just stay calm and try to keep your blood from getting on your new expensive board.

3. The best techniques to catch a wave without the need for life insurance - I like to pick my waves using a skillful process. First, if you can't see over the crest of the wave to see England, pass and take a smaller bathtub size one. Second, keep an eye out for the lifeguard stand and aim right at it. This works extremely well and prevents you from being found belly up 3 blocks down by the beach patrol.

Tips & Warnings

• Get the women noticing you, not the surfboard you overpaid for - I've tried out one of those new style, xtra big and long bathing suits that I found online, but that just made me self conscious about my skinny legs sticking out. Actually, the best way is to use your surfboard as a drawbridge for the moat surrounding the sandcastle your kids just built. This surely gets attention and women go wild when they see a drawbridge!
• Methods for sticking your 8 foot surfboard into your 3 foot Toyota Prius trunk - Not easy if you don't use your creativity. Fortunately, I have learned to bring a shovel to the beach and usually bury my board in the dunes to avoid the transportation issue (only lost 2 boards so far). However, the best method I know is to bring a friend along who doesn't mind positioning himself into your car's open hatchback trunk while keeping one hand on your board and the other hand on a beer.

[DelraySurfer]

on 3/6/2008 I'll be looking for you on the beach dude