How to Spot a Frenemy

Although we might like to think that our relationships can be easily tucked into tidy categories like friend, lover, acquaintance and coworker--in reality, most relationships are as complex and indefinable as the human beings who create them. In honor of this complexity, a new category has emerged: Frenemy. Made popular by the 2004 teen flick "Mean Girls," this portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" acknowledges the fact that friendships are not always friendly, nor are they as simple as they seem on the surface. While recognizing friend from foe is typically cut and dry--recognizing friend from frenemy is trickier. Let these tips help you figure it out.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

How to Spot a Frenemy

1. Understand frenemy variations. Frenemies can range from calculatingly callous and manipulative to obliviously selfish and unkind. Just because a person doesn't "mean" to be mean doesn't erase the hurtful impact. Sometimes an unaware insult is more damaging than a deliberate jab.
2. Pay attention to how you act in the presence of your potential frenemy. Do you recoil at the thought of spending time with her? Do you clam up whenever he comes around? Do you often talk bad about her to others? Do you feel competitive when he discusses work, hobbies, love life or finances? If you continually act less than the highest, most loving, centered version of yourself when the two of you get together, take note. A frenemy may be in your midst.
3. Trust your initial reactions. The first feelings we have about people and situations are the most accurate. These pure, uncensored observations give us all the information we need to classify somebody as a frenemy. You do yourself a disservice (not to mention set yourself up for more abuse) by analyzing interactions, questioning whether or not you are being too sensitive or making excuses for why a person behaves the way they do. If you feel like you've just received an emotional kick in the gut, then you have just received an emotional kick in the gut. No analysis needed!
4. Look for patterns. If somebody lets you down or acts insensitively on occasion, that doesn't necessarily qualify him or her for frenemy status. Humans are flawed and friendships inevitably follow suit. On the other hand, a person who continually uses you for his or her personal agenda, dishes out insults, breaks promises, ignores your requests or manipulates you with passive-aggressive behavior goes beyond the acceptable friendship margin of error.
5. Acknowledge your paradoxical feelings. Frenemies are hard to decipher because most of the time they have as many, if not more, positive qualities than negative ones. Frenemies will often share your interests and values; if you didn't have these things in common, it would be easy to qualify your frenemies as enemies and move them off your emotional radar entirely. Love-hate relationships are typical for frenemies.
6. Compare and contrast. When trying to decide if a friend is actually a frenemy, weigh the person in question against somebody who you know with complete certainty is a friend. Personality traits become more apparent when viewed this way.
7. Seek validation. If you can't sort it out, talk to a trusted friend or mentor. Perspective from a third party can help you get clear about the nature of your mucky, indefinable relationships.

Tips & Warnings

• Sometimes frenemies don't do anything overtly "wrong," rather they just give you a yucky feeling when they're around. Trust this instinct.