How to Write with Kids in the Home

Are Conor and Cassidy underfoot? Do you want to have that revision out to the Atlantic Monthly before week's end? Is Farrar Strauss & Giroux crawling up your rear for proofed galleys? Here's how to tend to your Prolific Writing Career if you find yourself with kidz in tha' haus.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Reliable Birth Control
• Bag 'O Glass
• Dry Cleaning Plastic
• Sharp Knives
• Stroller (with seatbelt)

1. Rely on a reliable form of birth control. Doing so may eliminate the need to rely on the reliable steps that follow.
2. So prevention has failed you. Consider the natural next step: in utero termination (once born, termination becomes slightly more involved and is subject to criminal penalty). Planned Parenthood (1-800-230-PLAN) is a handy resource. If religious or not from an urban area, proceed to 3.
3. Research shows that children in the house are the primary cause of writing career asphyxia, and it is estimated that 32,000 suffer nationwide. How to wrest your professional and spiritual livelihood from these blood-sucking leeches covered in applesauce and Goldfish residue?
   
   Put together a box of special toys. "Special" includes items like: D-Con rat poison, dry cleaner plastic, sharp knives, or Bag 'O Glass. These toys will only be taken out during the time you need or want to write. Alarmed by how quiet it suddenly became in the house? Don't be. That's the toys, hard at work. If the peace persists for greater than 4 hours, your work is done.
4. Still noisy? Having trouble finishing that chapter? Tell the kids it's time to play mechanic on Mommy's SUV. The wand holding up the hood should not be too secure. Leave the car in neutral. Have fun, guys! My chapter awaits!
5. Still nothing? Put your children into a stroller (seatbelt engaged) and take a walk to a park in your neighborhood. Release your hands from the stroller. Go home. Your chapter awaits!

Tips & Warnings

• The opinions of the authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of eHow and shall not be used for parenting or filicide purposes.