How to deal with the death of your baby

Back in 2005 I gave birth to a baby boy full term. He weighed 8lbs and was beautiful. Due to serious problems that were found in the womb he died shortly after birth due to heart and lung failure. This article will show you how to cope and get through a devasting loss a very little at a time. It is a process and everyone reacts to losses differently. Only you know how long you will really need to grieve.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• An open mind
• Your tears (sounds crazy but you will see why)
• A journal
• Any type of support group or newsletter
• Possibly a counselor

1. After going through the loss of your baby, your world instantly goes numb and you are unable to process anything else in life. You don't feel like talking to anyone and just want to give up. Welcome as much family and friend support that you can, you will need this to help you push through the minutes even seconds in the day. It's too hard to even take a day at a time after such a loss. Don't let anyone force you or pressure you into doing otherwise.

2. Your body will go through all the normal things that a body goes through after giving birth. Your milk will come in and you will long to nurse your baby. The first thing to do to help is wrap yourself up tightly like with an ace bandage so that your milk will dry up.

3. Your body will long to hold a baby in the long hours of the night. This will sound crazy but your body knows no difference. Wrap a blanket up as if there were a baby inside and hold it tight to your bosom. If you do not do this you will feel like your body will go nuts and it will knock your hormones and chemicals out of whack. I was told to do this and it helped. Yes I thought it was crazy and pathetic but it did help me.

4. Cry as much as you need to. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel stupid for doing it. Believe it or not, there will be people that say dumb and insensitive things through your time of loss. Try your best to ignore those people or they will stress you out and make you feel worse. This said by experience.

5. After getting through the first 2 weeks you will need to really force yourself out of the bedroom. Now my husband had to lift me out of bed and carry me to the chair into the living room to at least try to be a part of the day and the family! I despised this and just wanted to stay locked up in my room. If you stay locked up you will go into deep depression and this you do not want. I am thankful my husband through his pain was able to do that for me.

6. People that know of your loss will be sending you flowers, food, cards, etc., like crazy. You will not care about any of this and will not want to greet anyone. It took me 3 weeks until I was able to speak with someone outside of my family. Don't rush yourself. This is going to be a rough journey to push through.

7. Start writing in a journal all of your feelings. Do this verbally as well. If you do not, it will all bottle up inside and you will explode. I had to learn to communicate my feelings, I did not for a long time and I had a few break downs and explosions. This of course isn't healthy for you or your family. If you have other children they will learn that this is a part of life. Be there for your living children if any. I made that mistake and lost a month with my preschool aged daughter. To this day I have many regrets. I focused too much on my dead son than on my daughter who really needed me.

8. Join a support group when you feel you are ready or go see a counselor. It took me a whole year to realize I needed to see someone. This is okay as long as you recognize it.

9. Do things in memory of your baby. As a mother your baby will always be your baby and a part of you. It's okay to have memorials at birthdays and Christmas. Every birthday my family releases balloons to heaven for Brandon's birthday when we visit him at the cemetery. Doing these things will help you to heal and realize you are going to make it even though it is painful.

10. Remember that in time things do get easier but they also get harder at the same time. You will envision your baby turning a year older on every birthday. This will be painful. That pain will never go away but you can heal from the hurt and trauma of your baby passing away. If you are a mother who has experienced such a loss please feel free to e-mail me at [e-mail] I started an online newsletter/website/outreach since the loss of my baby boy Brandon. This is an avenue of healing for me. Please contact me at the address above if you would like to subscribe to the Moms of Angels newsletter.

Tips & Warnings

• It's going to take time to get through your grief. Don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel bad if you do.
• If you feel like you are slipping into depression, go see someone immediately like a counselor or doctor, etc.
• If you are feeling suicidal seek help

[duayned]

on 1/3/2009 This is very sound advice on a very sad, but not totally uncommon subject. I hope some poor grieving mothers (and dads, like me) will read this and find help and comfort.