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Step 1
It's not that I don't have a perfectly serviceable apartment with a perfectly functional futon. My guess is you're not living in a cardboard box either (though you might be after paying for those movie tickets). We're grown-ups, and if we're smart we've told our roommates to make themselves scare and we’ve changed the sheets just in case. But taking your date to a cheap motel isn't about privacy or shelter, though you do get both of those things for the same price as your economy suite.
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Step 2
The fact is motel sex is legendarily nasty. In an anonymous rented room, you and your date can be anyone, doing anything—nobody cares except the front desk clerk, and his only concern is that you're up and gone by check-out time.
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Step 3
So always been curious about role-playing? Now's your chance: you can be a hooker and her john, a rent boy and his trick, a pair of cheating spouses, outlaws on the lam, or—if you want to get really kinky—a freshly scrubbed Mormon couple looking for a good night's sleep. The possibilities are endless. Unlike your bedroom, the neutral backdrop of the motel room is a blank slate: it's up to you to decide your own back-story. Make it good—or, even better, make it deliciously bad. Remember, nobody will ever know except you and your date, and if you're lucky, she'll have a few fantasies and taboo activities of her own to try out.
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Step 4
On top of everything else you get the luxury of a clean bathtub, a big-screen TV, and endless ice. Where else can you and your lover lounge on a king-sized bed eating vending machine food and watching pay-per-view porn? And I don't know about you, but my apartment isn't equipped with maid service—any mess I make I have to clean up myself, thank you very much. Not so in a motel room! So let your freak flag fly—now's your chance not to worry if lube gets on your expensive wool carpet. I'm not saying to trash the place, mind you—you're not Led Zeppelin and the shark story was apocryphal anyway—but have fun and go wild! If you've always wanted to try getting poked in the rear while bent over a chair, now's the time to do it. Like the front desk clerk, the motel room chair's seen it all before—but unlike the guy at the desk, the chair's probably sturdy and upholstered in friendly, wipe-able plastic. Knock yourselves out.
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Step 5
Motel sex is invigorating with a new partner, but it can also breathe new life into a sexual relationship that's gone a little stale. So don't just pull it out for special occasions—remember, for the same price as dinner and a movie you and your sweetheart can bang each other raw all night long without giving a single thought to your neighbors, roommates, or children. And frankly, I'd much rather do that than suffer through another boring indie movie that doesn't even come with free doll-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner for afterwards
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Step 6
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an ice bucket to fill, a DO NOT DISTURB sign to hang up, and a chair to bend over. If I've only got until tomorrow's 11am check-out, I want to make every second of sweet, responsibility-free anonymity count.
