How to Breeze Through College

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College is, unofficially, the new high school. As more people need to get a degree for a job, the more standardized, impersonal and simplistic it becomes. If you attend a real college or if you care much about your education, congrats and move on. But if you're stuck and want out—either to take the easy way or to get through quickly to save money for graduate school, which is the real beef these days—read on.

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Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Step1

Pick a soft major. You know: English, Sports Science, Cultural Studies. Find one that's mildly interesting to you. Nothing quantifiable when it comes to grades, like the hard sciences or math. Avoid subjects that interest you or that you are passionate about. Chances are, these subjects will cause angst and extreme frustration if you're just trying to breeze through. Most humanities are fine, but unless you're at a really vacuous school, avoid philosophy and sociology and related fields where the level of thinking is often more in-depth.

Step2

Attend most classes. This sounds like a pain, and often is, but merely showing up scores easy points in most courses.

Step3

Regurgitate. Ninety percent of the time, professors simply want to hear you repeat what they said. Academia is a highly narcissistic field and, whether they admit it or not, most professors like to hear themselves speak and couldn't care less about individual thought. Too much thinking on your part means more thought and thus more work for the professor. Sit in class with a laptop and fill 1 page with some of what the professor says. Then you're free to go. Fill in the blanks later, over a beer, and there's your term paper.

Step4

Embrace the faceless paradigm. Mass education means that most nameless, identity-less students will need to pass. It's a good thing if you are not memorable to a professor. It means you are in the middle of the curve and will have your degree if you can wait it out.

Colleges are run like businesses these days. In the same way that soda companies couldn't care less what you think about how much high fructose corn syrup they use so long as you keep drinking and buying, your college will sell you a degree so long as you pay your tuition on time and don't make a ruckus.