How to Tell John McCain Jokes

Some people may feel bad telling John McCain jokes because he's so ancient. Don't be. This is the nasty putz who, in 1998, jokingly asked a Republican gathering, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?" before telling the faithful, "Because her father is Janet Reno." Show no mercy. He hasn't.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. You can make easy jokes and clever ones about McCain's age--because he can't help but look and sound old. Here's one bordering on clever from Bill Maher:
   
   "They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'"

2. And here's another about McCain's age, cracked by Jay Leno:
   "This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that's elder abuse."

3. It is just so easy folks. Just think of anything to do with age--Depends, Viagra, dentures--tie it to McCain and you've got a joke like Dave Letterman: "John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob."

4. Letterman, who's no spring chicken himself, really puts the boot in when joking about McCain's age. He infers McCain is senile: "How about John McCain? Looks like the guy that goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house." And again: "John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'"

5. When news broke in The New York Times that McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist, jokesters had a party. An old man with a woman almost half his age -- what's not funny. Says Bill Maher:
   
   "The New York Times printed a story that said ... in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to coc-block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. ... John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'"

6. With a smart turn in the kicker, the McCain and the younger woman lobbyist joke can be used to target a wider group:
   The New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there's no footage. Political experts say this could be a huge scandal for McCain because he’s married and the woman he's accused of having an affair with is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, earlier today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton." -- (joke from Conan O'Brien).

7. Bottom line, the easiest way to make fun of John McCain is to focus on his age. It's just inescapable. (And Letterman's writers just keep coming up with good lines about it so there's no shortage of new marerial, like ...):
   "John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'" And more again:
   
   "I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. ... He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. ... He looks like the guy who's always saying, 'What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought.'"

[1bear]

on 8/23/2008 So many people have commented about the age difference of John and his wife, but,as John would say "with the money she has, I don't care how old she is". Hey John, hear Paris Hilton is still single, Just something to think about.

[1bear]

on 8/23/2008 Hey Mccain, you shouldn't be so hard on Sen. Obama for not serving in Vietnam, remember that was the same critisizm you took from Washington. George Washington that is.

[1bear]

on 8/23/2008 Now that Senator Obama has chosen his V.P. candidate, John Mccain is ready to reveal his selection, as John would say, " the unbeatable team." John chooses, Dick Nixon!!! "After all, he was good enough for Eisenhower, He's good enough for me." John feels he could us a man with as much youth and vitality as himself.

[Obama]

on 6/21/2008 John McCain was driving his "Straight Talk Express" bus home to Arizona when he got a frantic call on his cell phone from his wife Cindy. "Be careful, John," she warned him. "I just heard on the news that there's someone driving the wrong way on the highway." John replied, "There's not just one. There's hundreds of them!"

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