How to Build a Family of Friends

We are all aware--sometimes painfully--that when it comes to choosing our flesh and blood family, we are powerless. Luckily, we're in complete control when it comes to choosing our friends. And even luckier, strong friendships can feel as rewarding as close family ties. When it comes to friendship, you get what you give. While deep, lasting bonds require cultivation--in the end--the reward of having a network of truly loving and supportive friends who help you feel less alone in this monstrous world is far beyond any work you may put in. Read on for inspiration on how to start to build your family of friends.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A generous spirit
• An open heart
• A willingness to be vulnerable
• A desire for authentic relationships

1. Announce it. I once made an adoption certificate for my friend Alicia, declaring and cementing her official place in my heart as a sister. When my friend Melanie and I go out, people think we look alike and often ask, “Are you sisters?” To celebrate our sisterly appearance, I made a photomontage with a picture of us and the phrase “Soul Sisters” stamped across the bottom. We each have a copy hanging in our homes, a reminder that we can always count on each other. Throw a party, sign a friendship pact, make an announcement of your commitment to support, love and honor your closest friends as you would your closest family.
2. Remember significant dates. Celebrate birthdays, wish good luck before job interviews, call to inquire after a blind date, acknowledge anniversaries of marriage, adoption, even the death of loved ones.
3. Delve into the past. Ask to see old photos, swap stories from childhood, take a trip to each of your hometowns. Learning about your friend’s past and sharing yours will help you understand each other in a deeper way.
4. Learn your friend’s love language. Everybody expresses and experiences love in a different way. Some talk about it, some hug, some give gifts, some listen intently. My friend Phil and I virtually never go out together, but he calls me several times each week just to check in. My friend Alex isn’t much for hugging, but he does pick up the tab every time we go out to eat. I feel dismissed when I receive a text message from a friend, so even though it’s her favorite form of communication, my friend Katie makes it a point to call instead of ping. Find out how your friend likes to give and receive love, and work to show your love in a way that they understand.
5. Create traditions. Go out to breakfast once a month. Play bridge every Wednesday. Volunteer to clean a local park together each spring. Take an annual vacation. These regular routines will become a wellspring of memories and act as a foundation for your friendship for years to come.
6. Allow for leeway. Just like there is no perfect family, there is no perfect romance, no perfect church, no perfect mascara and no perfect friend. Humans are full of foibles and your friends are certain to fall short of your expectations many times during the course of your relationship. Love them wholeheartedly anyway.
7. Bicker from time to time. My dear friend Alex and I met five years ago. Recently we got into an argument and afterward, as we made amends, Alex said, “There are only four people I have this type of conflict with. My mom. My dad. My brother. You.” I was touched. Our spat (and eventual resolution) was a glorious confirmation that our friendship had moved beyond social niceties and into the realm of familial-style bonds. I don’t encourage picking fights with friends, but if arguments do arise, it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. The way you fight--and more importantly, the way you work through these fights--will teach you a lot about one another and potentially bring you closer together.
8. Help before the request. Notice when a friend is sad, sick, worried, troubled, depressed or overwhelmed and jump in with support immediately. Many of us have so skillfully mastered the art of “sucking it up” that we may not even realize when we are down. And even if we do know it, it can be hard to ask for help. Watch for signs of distress in your friends and help in whatever ways you are able.

Tips & Warnings

• Not all friends will land into the family category. Some friends will remain on the periphery of your life. These friendships may not be as steady or deep, but they are important in their own way.
• Some people have many friends in their family circle, while others have only one or two. Numbers don’t matter.