How to Watch a Presidential Debate

As we near the November presidential election, politics will pervade our lives whether we want it to or not. Wherever we cast our eyes, whatever television channel or radio station we tune to, we’ll hardly be able to escape campaign ads and election discussions of all kinds. As summer melts into fall, the nationally-televised series of presidential debates will assault our decent, unassuming sensibilities with its slick, prepackaged sound bytes and too-good-to-be-true promises. If you are forced to watch these debates, here’s how to endure them.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• A healthy dose of skepticism
• A strong stomach

1. Eat a bland, easy-to-digest dinner the night of the debate. You don’t want to tax your stomach any more than absolutely necessary--you’ll be putting yourself through enough abuse as it is.
2. Watch the debate in small doses, if possible. Constantly come up with reasons to leave the room--you have to go to the bathroom, you have to make a call, you need to fix yourself a snack or drink…any excuse will do.
3. Have an alternative activity at hand to divert your attention from the debate. Play games on your call phone, read a book or magazine, or do a crossword puzzle. Occasionally glance up at the debate, or watch out of the corner of your eye.
4. During the periods that you are actually watching and listening to the debate, remember to take everything the candidates say with a grain of salt. (Or perhaps several million grains.) Keep in mind that they are consciously trying to present themselves in a television-friendly, sound byte-laden, slick little package that emphasizes style over substance. They are not interested in presenting carefully-reasoned positions on serious issues, they want to harp on the same eight or ten bullet points that their focus groups and pollsters told them would score points with undecided voters.
5. Keep a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a big plastic puke bucket handy, just in case. You never know when one of the candidates might say something so repulsive that you lose your dinner right then and there.
6. If you follow all these steps and still find yourself getting sick to your stomach, simply pick up your TV’s remote and press the “Mute” button. Problem solved.