How to Be a Good Stepmother

Being a stepmother does not mean that you will never be a part of the family.

Whether there was a death in the family or a divorce, becoming a stepmother means you are becoming part of a family that has experienced tremendous heartache. While it is important that you feel loved and wanted in your new family, it is also important that all of you realize that the family needs time to adjust to the new situation. The challenges that arise from your ambiguous parenting role may cause confusion for you, your husband and the kids. However, with a little effort and a lot of understanding, you can become a good, loving and effective stepmother.

Instructions

1. Try to build a cordial if not friendly relationship with the kids' mother, if possible. Greet her warmly when she picks up the kids. Inquire about her work and family. Invite her to local events for women. Let her know that you respect her position in her children's life and that you care for them.

2. Speak nicely about the children's mother and encourage the kids to do the same. Focus on the things she does right and avoid focusing on the negative.

3. Open a line of communication between you and your stepchildren. Talk to them about their friends and their school. Ask them about the sports and clubs they are in. Encourage them to share thoughts and feelings with you.

4. Communicate with the other family. Find out what rules are in the other home and try to be consistent across the board. Share what you learned from the child's teacher when you picked her up from school. Let the mother know if her child is being bullied. Tell a funny story about something the child did or said.

5. Be involved in the child's life. Show up for school plays and soccer games. Bring the video camera and record the piano recitals. Invite your stepchildren's friends over for a game night so you can get to know them better.

6. Treat both the stepkids and the kids you have with your husband as equals. Playing favorites causes resentment and will hurt your relationship with your stepkids.

7. Create boundaries. Ask your husband to help you enforce rules. Let the children know that the rules are there to ensure that family life runs smoothly.

8. Establish time in which your husband can be alone with the kids. Arrange a day at the baseball field. Take a trip with your girlfriends so that the kids can spend the entire weekend with their dad. Let the kids know that you are doing this because you know how important spending time with their dad is.

9. Give it time. Let the kids adjust to the fact that you are now a part of their lives. Be understanding when there are tears and anger. Love the kids through the tough times as well as the good.

Tips & Warnings

• Be yourself. Love the kids in your own way and do not try to imitate the parenting style of their mother.

• Do not, in your eagerness to be liked, do everything for the kids. Allow them to help with housework and other chores. If you let them run all over you, you will never gain their respect.

References

• International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family; Stepparents; 2003