Step1
Poop. I’ve never had a problem going. When I need to go, I go, and I don’t give a second thought to where I am. I was stunned to learn that my sister-in-law believes you should never poop in a toilet other than the one you own or rent. If she has to go during the day, she holds it in until she gets home. Her husband refers to this practice as “prairie dogging it.” Apparently, every time the poop begins to come out, she sucks it back in, until she gets home from work. Who would know? Who would care?
Then, there’s sex. At this point in time, an estimated 10,000 people have been involved in creating you. Guess how? They did it the old-fashioned way, and they’ve been doing it that way for thousands of years.
Step2
So, why is it that we fear being anatomically correct, having healthy bodily functions and enjoying the very reproductive exercises that got us here in the first place?
There is a group of boys, now men, who grew up together, went to college together and celebrated each other’s marriages. Each bachelor party was an event that they – as well as a number of exotic dancers and hookers – won’t soon forget. At the end of each memorable evening, the groom-to-be was presented with a tremendous realistic dildo named “Plan B.” The thought was that if he couldn’t satisfy his bride, he could resort to Plan B. As a close friend of the most recent recipient of Plan B, I was asked, along with others, to retrieve the dildo should he be killed or find himself in a vegetative state. His mother, he said, would certainly die of shock should she discover her son’s second penis in his nightstand drawer.
Step3
Others, however, have been found out and lived to tell the tale. Here are some of their stories:
I had stored all my belongings in my mom’s garage before going overseas. When I returned, I asked her to help me sort through them all. Most of the boxes were full of the usual stuff: clothes, dishes, books. So, I was happily sifting through some old photo albums when mom let out a gasp. She’d some across my pleasure chest – a container loaded with a secret stash of sexual toys. I don’t know who was more horrified.
I had just gotten my first vibrator, and after giving it a good test run that night, I hid it under my mattress. The next day my younger brother came in and lay down on my bed. My vibrator turned on and started to buzz like crazy. Well, not knowing what it was he came in the living room, handed it to me, and said, "Sissy, this was buzzing under your bed." My mother burst out laughing. My father didn’t think it was amusing in the least.
My mom is pretty liberal about sex. When I was living with her it was my job to get the mail. One day this package arrives and my mom opened it while I was their eating my dinner. It was a giant vibrating tongue! I just about choked on my beef stroganoff. Her reaction was “Darn it. They sent me the wrong toy! I have needs too, ya’ know.” We both laughed about it, and I don’t think she ever exchanged that toy.
Step4
The point is that discovering irrefutable proof that you are sexually active probably won’t shock your mom, and chances are even better it won’t kill her.
Still, a few precautions can go a long way. Next time your aunt comes for a visit, make sure to remove the tiny red toy chest from the top of the closet. If your mom volunteers to help clean the house before a family gathering, clean out your bedside table before she arrives.
And, the next time you direct and star in your own private porn flick, don’t label the disc “wedding” and store it with the rest of the home movies. Just because your kids can’t operate the DVD player yet, doesn’t mean your babysitter won’t. Ask my brother.
Embarrassing moments. We’ve all had them.
Authority 
