Step1
Women are called “Mrs. Robinsons,” “cougars” or MILFs (Mothers I’d Like to …) and accused of “robbing the cradle” or “tadpoling.” So, those involved in age disparate relationships today just as those in racially-disparate relationships in the 60s might take a bit of advice from Motormouth Mabel, Queen Latifa’s character in Hairspray. She advised such a couple that “love is a gift,” but also warned them to “get ready for a whole lot of ugly from a whole lot of stupid.”
Being called a “cougar” isn’t a compliment. It’s meant to infer that an older woman couldn’t get a younger man unless she preyed, then pounced on her helpless victim. The woman is cast as a cunning and ruthless animal feeding on a slower, shyer member of the food chain, who was down before he knew what hit him.
Step2
I don’t recognize myself in that description nor anyone I’ve ever dated. I will celebrate my 50th birthday this year. One of my recent dates was a perfectly funny and cheerful professional chef, who happened to be 35. Before that, I had a long-term relationship with a handsome, hip drummer in a local band, a man 21 years my junior. I dated them because I liked them and Sean Connery is spoken for.
Neither man was slow or shy. And, comparing me to a beast in either case would be completely unfounded. I didn’t make the first move, the second or even the third. I was not the pursuer in these relationships.
My experience is echoed by women in the pages of a book on the topic. Susan Winter and Felicia Brings, authors of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance, interviewed more than 200 couples. One of the most astonishing statistics for outsiders looking in is that in all 200 cases, couples report that the man was the pursuer.
And, there are more and more of us all the time. Today, almost a third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating men at least 10 years younger, according to a recent AARP poll.
Step3
Are we then ageless goddesses no man could resist? Speaking for myself, hardly. I’m short and stubby, 20 pounds overweight most of the time. I have assets -- auburn hair, (slightly tinged with gray), green eyes, and a substantial, God-given bosom.
By comparison, my friend Kasi is beautiful. Blonde hair that falls to her shoulders in ringlets, china blue eyes, porcelain skin. She’s tall, thin and sweet. She recently broached the subject of my dating younger men. “I just couldn’t do it,” she said. “At some point I’d have to take off my clothes and he would see my sagging breasts and cellulite.”
“That’s not going to be an issue,” I assured her.
But she left the conversation unconvinced. And, she is right. She won’t be successful in a relationship with a younger man, but it has nothing to do with how old she is. Insecurity is insecurity at any age, and nobody likes dealing with it.
Older women in relationships with younger men have figured out a few things that Lara hasn’t. The younger men who seek them out aren’t looking for the best C-cups money can buy. They’re looking for a confident, independent, successful woman. She’s someone who knows where she’s been, where she’s going and isn’t looking to a man to provide for her financially or emotionally. She’s someone who isn’t going to play games; men are really over that girlish stage. She’s someone who is sensual to her core; it’s a kind of sexy that is impervious to time and even the laws of gravity.
Step4
Are you that kind of woman?
That depends. Say your breasts aren’t as high and full as they used to be. Do you wear a bra to bed or do you get that the sight of your breasts swinging above him with every forward thrust are about to blow his mind? Say you’re carrying a bit of extra weight around your bottom. Are you celebrating the fact that you’ve got a little junk in the trunk like J-Lo or are you contemplating a cocaine habit similar to the one Kate Moss employed to maintain her stick-thin physique? Finally, you’re with a man who criticizes you for growing older. Do you think you’re lucky to have someone who accepts you, however begrudgingly, as you are or do you understand that the old guy is deflecting his own fears and should be kicked to the curb in favor of a man half his age but twice as loving?
And, if you find that younger man, I bet you want to know what you can expect.
Let me tell you first what you can’t expect. A relationship with a younger man is not always about great sex. (I know. I’m pretty sick about it, too.) In fact, that’s probably the biggest misconception. Here are the facts. A man peaks sexually at around age 18, a woman in her 40s or later according to some of my senior girlfriends. The youngest man I ever had sex with was 23. You do the biology. Frankly, younger men are usually less proficient in the art of lovemaking and almost always outpaced by their peaking partners in terms of desire for frequent sex as well as experience.
Step5
Instead of winking at me, my friends should have been congratulating my very tired partner and offering him consoling pats on the back and maybe a few ice packs.
Younger men are energetic. Just not in the way you think. They like to go and see and do. They have interests quite different from those of an older woman. It is very much like dating someone from another culture. Every time you’re together, you’re going to learn something new from him. And, chances are, he’s going to learn something new from you. When I first meet younger men, if there’s a connection we talk for hours.
Just like any other relationship, it’s about attraction, love, fulfillment. Age, just like ethnicity, height or bra size might help you pick out your mate in a crowded room, but it doesn’t define a woman, much less an entire relationship.
If you don’t believe me, ask my mother. A divorced mother of four, she met a 25-year-old man while both were studying for their master’s degrees. She was 40. At the time,
it was a startling age difference. Then, he turned 35 and she turned 50. Then he was 40 and she was 55. The age gap had all but disappeared. Today, most people assume my mother is the younger of the two.
Step6
In justifying their relationship in 1969, my mother reminded me that my grandmother and my aunts were widowed longer than they had been married. Given life expectancies, neither of them would significantly outlive the other. And, my stepfather spent hours talking to my mother and told me that talking to women his own age was a complete bore. With my mother, he talked religion, philosophy, education, while women in the 20s wanted to tell him all about their clothes and hair and make snide remarks about other women.
Wasn’t that exactly what we saw and heard on the NBC show Age of Love this summer? The show that pitted 40-something-year-old women against 20-something-year-old women for the affections of a 35-year-old former tennis star seemed to confirm our worst fears for women in their 20s and our best hopes for women in their 40s.
Here’s something else for the 20-something-year-olds to worry about. The most recent U.S. Census Bureau figures show that in the year 2000, 12 percent of all marriages were between older women and younger men. Match.com also reports that a majority of male clients are willing to date women much older than themselves.
That statistic fells two myths at one time. Older women need not worry that younger men will leave them for younger women, nor do they need to heed the dire warning that their May-December relationship won’t last. The average length of the relationships Winter and Brings studied was 13 years, but some of the couples had been together 25 years or more.
Step7
As further evidence that these relationships can be hugely successful, I could point to a number of successful celebrity couples such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (what a great sense of humor he has), Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (they share a commitment to political activism), and Mary Tyler Moore and Dr. Robert Levine (he’s handsome and brilliant). But, I’d rather get back to my parents.
At 60, my father boasts a full, gray beard and no longer jogs for exercise. At 75, my mother is a successful master’s runner, a marathoner, no less. When last I visited them, Mom was trying to motivate him to shape up by threatening to trade him in for two 30 year olds. Meanwhile, they are celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary this year.
Become a Modern Mrs. Robinson: Older Women and Younger Men
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