How to Buy Lingerie: The Dude's Guide to Holiday Gift-Buying

Guys—as the holidays approach, you're panicking. You know your sweetie's expecting something nice and fairly expensive, but you're wise enough to know that a new vacuum cleaner with all the attachments will get your ass dumped.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. The classic choice is lingerie. What's not to love about a gift that you both can enjoy under the mistletoe? The big companies will even deliver overnight for a few bucks more, you procrastinator. But how to choose? What do all those confusing lingerie catalogue terms actually mean?
   
   It's a scary world out there if you don't speak the language—even models with angel wings strapped to their delectable backs can't help you figure out what it is you're supposed to be buying, and the last thing you want is to screw up and buy your girl a pair of strap-on wings when you meant to buy her a matching bra and panty set. Don't worry—I speak Lingerie, and I'm here to help. Grab your favorite lingerie catalogue (and I know you have one). Bust out your credit card and pour yourself a glass of rum with a seasonal splash of eggnog, sir—your holiday shopping is almost over.
   
   Let's start with the basics:
2. Panties (see also thong, cheeky short, boy-cut brief, bikini, tanga): Unless she has expressed a strong pro-thong preference, stick with cheeky shorts, hipster/bikini briefs, or boy-cut. Buying your lady a thong is kind of like buying her a stripper pole and handing her a few ones. If you're into that kind of thing, cool; but if not, buy her some drawers that don't make her look like a single mom desperate to pay her rent. Besides, boy-cut anything means (a) you're thinking about her comfort, and (b) her ass is going to be hanging out of the bottom of her underwear Daisy Duke-style: it's a win-win.
3. Bras (see also underwire, plunge, demi-cup, support, balconette, strapless, push-up pads, "dramatic lift"): Understand this: if your lady isn't a Playboy model already, no amount of foam padding strapped around her chest like backwards water-wings is going to make her resemble one. And frankly, wearing two jutting Styrofoam tit-shelves with the straps sawing into her shoulders all day will turn your lady into a raving bitch. Can you blame her? Iron Maiden rules as a band, but as lingerie it sucks. Look for bras made of soft, smooth fabric, with adjustable straps. If her cup-size is C or over, make sure the product description mentions "support." Think of her **** as your balls: cradle, don't crush.
4. Corsets (shapers, cinchers, bustiers, Merry Widows, girdles [obs.]): If your girl dyes her hair black, has multiple tattoos, decorates her living space with dried dead roses, and is involved in "tribal bellydancing," go ahead—goth girls can never own too many corsets. If not, think twice, because she may just think you're hinting she's fat. Tread carefully.
5. Babydoll (see also slip, chemise, sleepwear, negligee): Traditionally, the babydoll is a very short, loose garment made of startlingly uncomfortable material that leaves the wearer's legs and lower ass exposed. (A "flyaway" babydoll is split in half in front to expose the crotch and belly as well.)
   
   The babydoll's a tricky one, dudes. If your lady's an exotic dancer or an escort she may honestly appreciate the gift of something new to wear to work, but a much, much better choice of sleepwear for your sweetie is a matching tank top (also called a camisole) and boy-cut brief set, which are much more comfortable and will make her resemble a Hooter's waitress (but don't tell her that). Tanks and boy-cut brief sets come in everything from comfy cotton to slinky satin, so if you really want to knock it out of the park, buy her a couple of sets—one soft and plain (to please her), and one seductive and revealing (to please you, you lace-lovin' rogue).
6. Garter belts and stockings (see also thigh-high, stay-up, lace-top, seamed, Cuban heeled): I don't exactly know how to put this, but if you give your girl a garter belt and stocking set as a holiday present, she'd better have specifically requested it. Garter belts are a love 'em or hate 'em item, and most women don't wear them regularly (and keep in mind, this present is for her—not you.)
   
   That being said, we do occasionally like stay-up or thigh-high stockings—those are stockings designed to stay put at the thigh without a garter belt. They can be quite comfy and very sexy, especially if you're both into '80s mainstream porn. If your girl's over 5'6" or curvy, buy the stockings labeled "Tall" or "Queen-sized." This doesn't mean she's fat, it just means the stockings are proportionally longer, so they sit at her mid-thigh instead of masquerading as very expensive knee socks. If she balks at the "Queen-sized" label just praise her long, strong, gorgeous legs, but most manufacturer know better these days and simply provide a lettered sizing chart on the back of each package.
7. One last quick tip for lingerie shopping, for those of you lucky enough to be shopping for your wives or live-in honeys: wait til she's out of the house, then go take a gander at her underwear drawer. The stuff she actually wears will be in front and on top, generally in an unfolded tangle fresh from the dryer—that's her high-rotation stuff, and whatever her preferences, she can always use more items just like 'em. (Bonus: you can check the tags for sizes.) The tawdry stuff she hates and only wore once to please you will be folded neatly underneath under the good stuff and shoved to the back of the drawer. They're only there because she hasn't had the heart to set them on fire yet.
   
   Now that you have a passing knowledge of conversational Lingerie, dudes, you're gonna rock this! Go forth and shop for your lady without fear, and know that you're avoiding the most common pitfalls that trip up other dudes not lucky enough for the crash course you've just audited.

Tips & Warnings

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