How to Learn What Wives Wish Husbands Understood about “Getting Us in the Mood”

Recently, some friends and I got together for a glass of wine (ok a few glasses) and some good old-fashioned girl talk. At one point, we realized, to our shock, that between the four of us, we had just over 50 years of marriage in that room. As we opened up about our marriages, we realized that even with all those years of matrimony under our belts, we still have yet to successfully convince our husbands of a few key facts about our libidos.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. When we say we are not in the mood, we are not being mean. Or prudish. Or insensitive. It’s not a blow to your manhood. It doesn’t mean we are not attracted to you. In fact, it’s nothing you should take personally at all. But unlike men (so it seems), we don’t usually think of sex as a balm for all that ails us. When we feel stressed or tired or unwell, we don’t usually want sex. We want a hot bath, a good movie or a glass of wine. Sorry, guys. It’s just the way many of us are wired.
   
   But our moods can change. Timing is key. After a hot bath, or a good movie, or a glass of wine, or a light massage, or some quiet together time, or whatever helps us take off the edge, we might just be a lot more relaxed and feeling more open to being sexual.
2. Tell us that you want us —that it’s not just sex you want, that we still knock your socks off. Don’t be afraid to get detailed. One excellent way to make us feel sexier is to tell us how sexy we are.
   
   Emptying the dishwasher might just get you more sex. This is tough to admit. We don’t want sex to turn into a quid pro quo kind of thing. Not at all! But the fact is that not only does it lighten our loads when housework is a team effort (and please, who likes doing housework?), but when we feel good about our relationship, when we feel supported and cared for and, yes, loved, we start to let go of some of that stress that accumulates throughout our day. And our minds turn to other directions when our checklist of what needs to get done is clicked off (especially when your ass looks so hot bent over the washer).
3. If all else fails, ask us. It’s easy for couples to fall into unproductive patterns. It’s sometimes hard to find a way out. “She never wants to have sex.” And “he just wants sex—he doesn’t care about me.” If you start to tramp down the finger pointing road, it may be time for a frank discussion. The key is to listen to each other. Try not to let hurt feelings get in the way. This is hard stuff, but you want a better sex life, right? The temporary satisfaction you might get for flaming each other will not come close to the long-term satisfaction you will get from being in a positive relationship (and getting more sex!). So ask your wife exactly what does put her in the mood and what you can do to make it happen. Then do it. A lot.

Tips & Warnings

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