How to Use a Condom (for Beginners and PhDs)

Condoms are a no brainer. They offer protection against STDs, and in combination with a spermicide, almost 100 percent protection against pregnancy—if used properly. Therein lies the rub (pun intended). Here’s a bit of a primer for beginners as well as those who think they’re pros. Yes, you can always learn more. Just when I though I had mastered the condom, I took a lesson from a prostitute on how to safely cap a man’s penis without his permission, all the while giving him the blow job of a lifetime.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Rip n’ Roll
   
   So here’s the basics. A lambskin condom is not an effective barrier against disease, so choose a latex condom. Rip open the package and, if desired, place a few drops of water-based lubricant in the tip. Squeeze the tip between the lube and the rest of the “medallion” and place on the penis. The idea is to eliminate any air pockets and to create a space at the tip to hold all fluids. Roll the rest of the condom down the shaft.
   
   Immediately after intercourse, you or your partner should hold the condom at the base while he pulls out slowly. Squeeze the condom closed as it comes off.
2. Rock n’ Roll
   
   Now a lesson from a pro. We’ve all heard the excuses. “It feels like I’m wearing a raincoat.” “It’s too tight.” “Or, it really cuts down on the sensation for me.” Sometimes, the arguments that ensue make it seem like it’s just not worth the effort. So, here’s how my favorite working girl plays it safe and satisfies her clients at the same time:
   
   Stash your open condom close at hand, maybe wrapped in the sheet midway down the bed or tucked under the edge of the mattress. After you’ve kissed and caressed for a while, give him that look and begin to work your way down his torso with your lips and tongue. As he’s shifting to allow you easy access, pick up your condom and slip it into your mouth. Put it between your teeth and cheek.
3. Saturate every inch of his penis and work your magic. The condom will stay put. When it’s time, use your tongue to place the condom between your lips and slightly parted front teeth, sucking the tip to remove any air. Slowly roll the condom down the shaft using your teeth and tongue.
   
   I’ve tried this many times and got caught in the act only once. I had to spit out a condom lubricated with Nonoxinol-9. Not only did it taste terrible, but I couldn’t feel my tongue.
   
   Sure, he’ll figure out what you are up to sooner or later, but hopefully, at that point, he won’t care. In fact, he’ll probably just admire your skill and fortitude.

Tips & Warnings

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