How to Have Lazy Man Sex

Paris Hilton recently revealed that she's "too lazy" to have sex. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, the 23-year-old hotel heiress said, "I don't really care about sex. If I'm in a relationship … we just watch TV. I'm too lazy."

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Now, there’s lazy and there’s lazy. Most of us, thankfully, don’t fall into the latter category. But, occasionally, a man wants what he wants without having to make too much of an effort. So, here are some suggestions as to how you might get a little while giving as little as possible.
   
   Not a Woman in Sight
   
   Solo sex. It’s the best way to achieve orgasm and save the sweating for the gym. The advantages are nearly endless. You get to say when and where. And, as Woody Allen once said, “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
   
   Whether you call it jacking off, spanking the monkey or playing the upright organ, wanking is made all the more realistic by liberal doses of lubrication, especially a warming lube, with or without the visual stimulation of your favorite porn flick. A gonzo film you can fast forward to the good parts, something quick and uncomplicated.
   
   Also consider taking to the shower with a realistic masturbator. You can scrub down while cleaning your pipes.
2. A Woman Who Doesn’t Have High Expectations
   
   Some men prefer to have a little company when they have sex. A man of this caliber is highly selective. He’s looking for a particular kind of woman. A woman who knows what a man needs. A woman who satisfies him with little or no thought of herself. A woman who is asleep or too tired to protest.
   
   After you find such a woman, your approach should be subtle. Here are the recommended steps to gain her compliance in order of energy requirements:
   
   1. Try asking nicely. If she’s napping on her back, ask if she will roll over and tell her you’ll take it from there.
   
   2. Assure her that you really want to cuddle too, but first you need to find a loving home for your raging penis.
   
   3. In a more desperate tone, appeal to her sense of humor and ask if she will “make like a bandit and grab your jewels.”
   
   4. Start whacking off against her thigh in hopes she’ll take pity on you and find a better place to stash your woody.
   
   5. You have awakened with a lovely hard-on. It would be such a waste to let it go. Move into an eco-friendly position next to your partner and bump her with your baton. If she doesn’t respond, go for entry. If she does respond, ply her with kisses. Kisses will eventually gain you entry, but it make take some effort on your part, therefore taking this maneuver out of the category of lazy sex.
   
   If she wakes fully and demands more of you than your energy levels can provide, remind her of the biblical principle at stake. “Don’t spend all your energy on sex…” Proverbs 31:3.
3. A Woman Who Demands Satisfaction
   
   Then there is the kind of woman who poses a threat to men who just want to have lazy sex, watch the big game (any game, really) and get some snacks. This is the woman who thinks that you have nothing better to do than satisfy her lust between September-November, November-March, February-June and June-August, or football season, basketball season, baseball season and ping pong season.
   
   So you promise her a little fooling around before kickoff. Then, you’re off hunting down the remotes while she makes your favorite nacho cheese dip, and all the sudden it’s time for the coin toss, and you can’t miss that. So you promise her a little action at halftime, but Dallas is playing, and the cheerleaders have a show that can’t be missed. So, the missus is fuming when the clock runs out and you’re still melded to the recliner for post-game commentary.
   
   Your time is up, and you’ll be sleeping on the couch that night. What if I told you there was a way to explore the pleasures of your 50-inch Phillips plasma flat screen and still get your girl off at the same time? And, that it’s no harder than operating that TV remote? You’d be with me, wouldn’t you?
   
   Welcome to the wonderful world of remote-control vibrators. You can now have sex and not even be in the room. For starters try a butterfly vibe. Strap her in and tease her a bit as she moves around the kitchen making snacks. Then give her a first quarter she’ll never forget by tuning into her Remote Control Ecstasy Vibe and flipping switches on the matchbook-sized remote. Then, finish her off with the Remote Pleasure Bullet. While she writhes in ecstasy rooms away, you can remain in your recliner watching instant replays. Score!

Tips & Warnings

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